Giants

The buildings are so tall they block out the sky. I made a comment about being claustrophobic to my cousin, and when I mentioned it the next day he said " oh man it really is affecting you isn't it?"
Yes I'd like to see the sky. I miss it. I miss seeing the sunset. I miss seeing the sun peeking through the trees. It has also been cloudy and rainy so that doesn't help.
The buildings are becoming everything that can possibly cause me any stress. Each one represents something that brings me worry or doubt. They stand over me, tall, like giants, but not the kind of giants i like, the kind of giants that seem intimidating, and mean. The kind of giants that don't know they can be gentle and instead glare at you, and you can only see their shadowed faces because they are blocking out the sun.


Its not always like this. I have very much enjoyed the walks my cousin and I have taken. I enjoy having coffee on a bench discussing several things along the way. I like getting to know him as a friend. We talk about what we want in life and how to get there, the struggle, the simplicity. We get distracted by the pigeons gathered in front of us as we eat our lunch in front of St.Marks church. He reminds me that his dad, my uncle had pigeons. We find more in the trees and point out the ones that look unique. Constantly in conversation, interrupted by the environment, feeding the already constant conversation.

I enjoy the variety of food offered, the different people I've passed by walking down these almost familiar sidewalks. I enjoy the moments of silence in the quiet apartment and the guitar that I am allowed to use, it brings me back to something familiar.

I want to say this one ends with me telling the giant to stop acting so tough, to be gentle like it has the ability to be.

Instead this one ends in an apartment, happy to be where I am, excited to see where I am going, but scared shitless nonetheless. Silly giants, don't they know they can really scare people?

waking up and wanting to hide.

Eyes open. At first, I'm welcomed by the day, enticed by the wonder it will bring, happy to see the face that greets me with a smile. He loves me. I know this, to the extent that I CAN know. I'll be okay, I know this, again, to the extent that I KNOW anything. I don't KNOW anything. All I can do is trust. I trust he loves me because he said so, I trust I'll be okay because I will try to make good decisions. I trust I will have an adventure waiting for me, because, well, why shouldn't I?

I leave tomorrow. I will get on the train that takes me to Chicago, then to New York, then eventually to Boston. Tomorrow starts a new life, a brand new adventure. Fears will be conquered, obstacles will be overcome. Tomorrow I will be on my way to the life I have been dreaming of, for so long.

My mother will have to trust that I will be okay, she will have to set aside her worry to know her baby girl is an adult and on her way to bigger things. I will have to make sure my family knows I love them and think of them daily. Friendships will be tested, for distance proves the biggest test of loyalty. My relationship will be tested, and I will learn the lesson on being a partner to someone from so far away. My faith in myself, and in God will be tested, I will have to be stronger that I have ever been. I will have to be more dedicated than I have ever been.


The anxieties settle in. Will I be strong enough? Will we be strong enough? Will I fail again? Will I find myself in square one again? What will happen if.......
I stop. I have to stop. I feel it creeping in like a thief in the night, trying to strangle me at my throat... I grab hold of that tight grasp around my neck.. pry the fingers off one by and one and breathe. I have to breathe. I have to kick the worries out of my head and breathe. I say a tiny little prayer, "God, give me peace, please..." and that's it. I don't want perfection, I don't want superhuman strength, I don't want a solution, I want peace.

I get up and welcome the day. The fight is far from over. Anxiety is an sneaky and unpredictable villain. Every day is a decision made to not give in. Good morning, let's get started.