It was October, and I was in Seattle. He was a musician from Denmark and a friend of my friend. He shared his music and sang me a birthday song in Danish.
I once had a party in my bedroom. My friends they were all there, and we sang and we drank until they told us to stop. "Fill me butter cup" don't break my heart. Arms around each other we sang and we drank, and our hearts were full.
I had a picnic with a dear friend and she made the best picnic basket. We ate the finest foods. We talked about God knows what, I just remember thinking,"how lucky am i to have such a fine friend"
I've walked the coasts of san francisco, and hiked its hills too...more than once can i say I've seen the golden gate bridge.
I've been to canada, and they searched my car because our story sounded suspicious... we waited as they searched an amish family's car as well.
I once walked along the shore of malibu with a friend and we drank our hot drinks watching surfers at sunset. He gave me his jacket to keep me warm.
I once dipped my feet in the waters of the eastern shore with a friend and she and i both imagined ourselves across the ocean...we drank tea and coffee and a bee landed in my espresso. I'm afraid of bees.
I once did an open mic all on my own.. well not all on my own, i had a little bit of vodka and a lot a bit of friends.
I used to dance inside a bar, he used to pick me up and we would swing. His girls were never jealous because it was only ever a dance.. but oh how we danced.
I once went to ohio and rode through the soy fields and past the cows. I heard stories about the house we walked through and i could feel its history.
Ive climbed rocks i used to fear, and have stood a close distance away from a buffalo.
I used to take walks with another friend, just to talk. We would go to Jason's deli.. and we would eat and talk some more. We didn't always agree but respected each other very much.
Ive run away from where i was and we stumbled as we did, but then we'd laugh and fall asleep and talk about it in the morning.
Ive stayed up all night and wandered all day...
and i am far from done.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
two little hearts
Of all the things that don't make sense in life, one thing I am completely at ease with not making sense is how much those two little girls fill my heart. I hear Rosie's voice and it sounds so clear now. She and I can have a real conversation, and I have to remember this and not talk to her like I talk to Lily. I don't like to baby talk, but it is hard to carry on a conversation with a five year old on the phone.
They are getting so big. Lily is five. She has been alive for five years and where have I been? Rosie has been alive for seven, and where have I been? With visits that are never long enough, mornings with both of them waiting for me to wake up so that we can play, and goodbyes that tug at our hearts in such a painful way. This is something I don't want anymore. The goodbyes, I want them to be see you in a little whiles, or see you tomorrows. I want them to come over to my house and build forts, sleepover, make pancakes them take our bikes out for a ride. I want them to know they have a Tia whenever they want her. I want to cheer at their soccer games, go to their plays. They bring such a joy and love into my heart that make all the things that don't make sense in my life disappear.
I have anxieties, and fears. Sometimes I have to push through the attacks of depression and like a kid pushing through through a crowd of adults, I feel small.
I have heartaches and they like to pull me down... but then I think of those two little hearts. That's what they are. Two little hearts.. and when they hold my hand.. I can feel my heart get stronger. They have this affect on us, on me. How lucky am I to have such love?
They are getting so big. Lily is five. She has been alive for five years and where have I been? Rosie has been alive for seven, and where have I been? With visits that are never long enough, mornings with both of them waiting for me to wake up so that we can play, and goodbyes that tug at our hearts in such a painful way. This is something I don't want anymore. The goodbyes, I want them to be see you in a little whiles, or see you tomorrows. I want them to come over to my house and build forts, sleepover, make pancakes them take our bikes out for a ride. I want them to know they have a Tia whenever they want her. I want to cheer at their soccer games, go to their plays. They bring such a joy and love into my heart that make all the things that don't make sense in my life disappear.
I have anxieties, and fears. Sometimes I have to push through the attacks of depression and like a kid pushing through through a crowd of adults, I feel small.
I have heartaches and they like to pull me down... but then I think of those two little hearts. That's what they are. Two little hearts.. and when they hold my hand.. I can feel my heart get stronger. They have this affect on us, on me. How lucky am I to have such love?
Friday, June 17, 2011
Giants
The buildings are so tall they block out the sky. I made a comment about being claustrophobic to my cousin, and when I mentioned it the next day he said " oh man it really is affecting you isn't it?"
Yes I'd like to see the sky. I miss it. I miss seeing the sunset. I miss seeing the sun peeking through the trees. It has also been cloudy and rainy so that doesn't help.
The buildings are becoming everything that can possibly cause me any stress. Each one represents something that brings me worry or doubt. They stand over me, tall, like giants, but not the kind of giants i like, the kind of giants that seem intimidating, and mean. The kind of giants that don't know they can be gentle and instead glare at you, and you can only see their shadowed faces because they are blocking out the sun.
Its not always like this. I have very much enjoyed the walks my cousin and I have taken. I enjoy having coffee on a bench discussing several things along the way. I like getting to know him as a friend. We talk about what we want in life and how to get there, the struggle, the simplicity. We get distracted by the pigeons gathered in front of us as we eat our lunch in front of St.Marks church. He reminds me that his dad, my uncle had pigeons. We find more in the trees and point out the ones that look unique. Constantly in conversation, interrupted by the environment, feeding the already constant conversation.
I enjoy the variety of food offered, the different people I've passed by walking down these almost familiar sidewalks. I enjoy the moments of silence in the quiet apartment and the guitar that I am allowed to use, it brings me back to something familiar.
I want to say this one ends with me telling the giant to stop acting so tough, to be gentle like it has the ability to be.
Instead this one ends in an apartment, happy to be where I am, excited to see where I am going, but scared shitless nonetheless. Silly giants, don't they know they can really scare people?
Yes I'd like to see the sky. I miss it. I miss seeing the sunset. I miss seeing the sun peeking through the trees. It has also been cloudy and rainy so that doesn't help.
The buildings are becoming everything that can possibly cause me any stress. Each one represents something that brings me worry or doubt. They stand over me, tall, like giants, but not the kind of giants i like, the kind of giants that seem intimidating, and mean. The kind of giants that don't know they can be gentle and instead glare at you, and you can only see their shadowed faces because they are blocking out the sun.
Its not always like this. I have very much enjoyed the walks my cousin and I have taken. I enjoy having coffee on a bench discussing several things along the way. I like getting to know him as a friend. We talk about what we want in life and how to get there, the struggle, the simplicity. We get distracted by the pigeons gathered in front of us as we eat our lunch in front of St.Marks church. He reminds me that his dad, my uncle had pigeons. We find more in the trees and point out the ones that look unique. Constantly in conversation, interrupted by the environment, feeding the already constant conversation.
I enjoy the variety of food offered, the different people I've passed by walking down these almost familiar sidewalks. I enjoy the moments of silence in the quiet apartment and the guitar that I am allowed to use, it brings me back to something familiar.
I want to say this one ends with me telling the giant to stop acting so tough, to be gentle like it has the ability to be.
Instead this one ends in an apartment, happy to be where I am, excited to see where I am going, but scared shitless nonetheless. Silly giants, don't they know they can really scare people?
Friday, June 10, 2011
waking up and wanting to hide.
Eyes open. At first, I'm welcomed by the day, enticed by the wonder it will bring, happy to see the face that greets me with a smile. He loves me. I know this, to the extent that I CAN know. I'll be okay, I know this, again, to the extent that I KNOW anything. I don't KNOW anything. All I can do is trust. I trust he loves me because he said so, I trust I'll be okay because I will try to make good decisions. I trust I will have an adventure waiting for me, because, well, why shouldn't I?
I leave tomorrow. I will get on the train that takes me to Chicago, then to New York, then eventually to Boston. Tomorrow starts a new life, a brand new adventure. Fears will be conquered, obstacles will be overcome. Tomorrow I will be on my way to the life I have been dreaming of, for so long.
My mother will have to trust that I will be okay, she will have to set aside her worry to know her baby girl is an adult and on her way to bigger things. I will have to make sure my family knows I love them and think of them daily. Friendships will be tested, for distance proves the biggest test of loyalty. My relationship will be tested, and I will learn the lesson on being a partner to someone from so far away. My faith in myself, and in God will be tested, I will have to be stronger that I have ever been. I will have to be more dedicated than I have ever been.
The anxieties settle in. Will I be strong enough? Will we be strong enough? Will I fail again? Will I find myself in square one again? What will happen if.......
I stop. I have to stop. I feel it creeping in like a thief in the night, trying to strangle me at my throat... I grab hold of that tight grasp around my neck.. pry the fingers off one by and one and breathe. I have to breathe. I have to kick the worries out of my head and breathe. I say a tiny little prayer, "God, give me peace, please..." and that's it. I don't want perfection, I don't want superhuman strength, I don't want a solution, I want peace.
I get up and welcome the day. The fight is far from over. Anxiety is an sneaky and unpredictable villain. Every day is a decision made to not give in. Good morning, let's get started.
I leave tomorrow. I will get on the train that takes me to Chicago, then to New York, then eventually to Boston. Tomorrow starts a new life, a brand new adventure. Fears will be conquered, obstacles will be overcome. Tomorrow I will be on my way to the life I have been dreaming of, for so long.
My mother will have to trust that I will be okay, she will have to set aside her worry to know her baby girl is an adult and on her way to bigger things. I will have to make sure my family knows I love them and think of them daily. Friendships will be tested, for distance proves the biggest test of loyalty. My relationship will be tested, and I will learn the lesson on being a partner to someone from so far away. My faith in myself, and in God will be tested, I will have to be stronger that I have ever been. I will have to be more dedicated than I have ever been.
The anxieties settle in. Will I be strong enough? Will we be strong enough? Will I fail again? Will I find myself in square one again? What will happen if.......
I stop. I have to stop. I feel it creeping in like a thief in the night, trying to strangle me at my throat... I grab hold of that tight grasp around my neck.. pry the fingers off one by and one and breathe. I have to breathe. I have to kick the worries out of my head and breathe. I say a tiny little prayer, "God, give me peace, please..." and that's it. I don't want perfection, I don't want superhuman strength, I don't want a solution, I want peace.
I get up and welcome the day. The fight is far from over. Anxiety is an sneaky and unpredictable villain. Every day is a decision made to not give in. Good morning, let's get started.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
the richest of these loves...
Some long for romantic love... I've longed for it, most have.
However, never have I felt so loved in my entire life than now. I have the kind of friends people fight all their lives for. I have the kind of friends who don't use you as an excuse to be social, but instead deal with the social part just to be with you. They're the kinds that don't need anything other sort of cushion to soften the blow of human interaction. Instead they find peace with you and you with them. they are my standing ground, my falling places and my hiding caves. They fill my life and heart with exhilarating words and encouragement. they love me enough to push me away, ( as in on a sled or first bike ride push)
If I never found the romantic love in my life, I'd die knowing I was loved and have loved more than any storybook romance could ever even describe.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
the past's present to your future
In conversation about the transition between the thoughts and perspectives we've had before and the ones we have today, my friend pointed something out. He said that it was if, the past thoughts were there to prepare, mold, or form the thoughts and perspectives we would have today. The thoughts we have today will help us get to the thoughts we will have in the future. Hearing that, it feels too obvious. Well, duh, we are always growing based on what we had before.
Then as I was packing things to move on to my future, I found a paper that an old love had written on. A memory of when things were so incredibly great and magical I felt it was a dream. Then I found a letter I had written to him but never gave him. It was after we broke up. I had written to him everything that I had felt, everything that I had learned, and everything I had hoped for in the future.
It was a sad time. It wasn't your average heartbreak.. I've had those. This one was a mind break. Never had I thought I finally had it together, never had I so vulnerably let go. Its always been a fight, its always been hesitation to trust, or a pursuit of someone who was so distant. This one came in like a long lost friend, with a promise of great things. Our eyes met and our hearts collided. Our thoughts and our weakeness were exposed and we looked to each other in awe. "really?" we thought to ourselves... "really? we can have this?" It felt unreal, and illogical. In a whirwind of emotions, we got swept away. We "knew" this was it.
It wasn't.
So everything I thought I knew became uncertain. Things changed, he changed. Where there was once a man who walked in with a smile and a hopeful heart, there was now the back of man walking into a bedroom, shutting his door. It was a trial of prayers, patience, willingness to stay, willingness to go. Is this where i show committment? Is this my cue to go? My heart was broken, yes, very much so. But after the time of that, my mind, my judgement, my own trust in myself was broken.
It didnt take very long for me to learn from this, gather what I could, build the walls I have to protect myself from falling so quicky.
Years have passed and yes, i think about it every now and again, but I'm "over" it as they say. I'm willing to fall in love, should love find me, someday.
It wasn't until a month ago, that a friend (same friend) and his friend, that my judgement should not have been broken. I trusted, and I did the right thing. The situation changed, and there was nothiing I could have done except what I did. There was a certain assurance in that.
Two years later, I'm still learning. Years later, I find his letter and my own, and realise how far Ive come. And if someone had told me at the time, not to worry, that all my thoughts and emotions would someday make sense or help me get to a place thats far better than my own understanding, I would have thought them foolish.
Yet here I am. Reading words with an attempt to understanding at the time, I find, that these words have found a place in my life today. I learned how to find strength even when weak, to find God when I can't see Him. I learned to walk, and not run so much. Maybe I sound jaded, and maybe I am, just a little. Maybe I'm not ready to let these walls come down ( ive worked so hard on them) but at least I know, I won't always think like this. Years from now, I'll read what Ive written, or think back on how I used to think, and see how far I've come.
Then as I was packing things to move on to my future, I found a paper that an old love had written on. A memory of when things were so incredibly great and magical I felt it was a dream. Then I found a letter I had written to him but never gave him. It was after we broke up. I had written to him everything that I had felt, everything that I had learned, and everything I had hoped for in the future.
It was a sad time. It wasn't your average heartbreak.. I've had those. This one was a mind break. Never had I thought I finally had it together, never had I so vulnerably let go. Its always been a fight, its always been hesitation to trust, or a pursuit of someone who was so distant. This one came in like a long lost friend, with a promise of great things. Our eyes met and our hearts collided. Our thoughts and our weakeness were exposed and we looked to each other in awe. "really?" we thought to ourselves... "really? we can have this?" It felt unreal, and illogical. In a whirwind of emotions, we got swept away. We "knew" this was it.
It wasn't.
So everything I thought I knew became uncertain. Things changed, he changed. Where there was once a man who walked in with a smile and a hopeful heart, there was now the back of man walking into a bedroom, shutting his door. It was a trial of prayers, patience, willingness to stay, willingness to go. Is this where i show committment? Is this my cue to go? My heart was broken, yes, very much so. But after the time of that, my mind, my judgement, my own trust in myself was broken.
It didnt take very long for me to learn from this, gather what I could, build the walls I have to protect myself from falling so quicky.
Years have passed and yes, i think about it every now and again, but I'm "over" it as they say. I'm willing to fall in love, should love find me, someday.
It wasn't until a month ago, that a friend (same friend) and his friend, that my judgement should not have been broken. I trusted, and I did the right thing. The situation changed, and there was nothiing I could have done except what I did. There was a certain assurance in that.
Two years later, I'm still learning. Years later, I find his letter and my own, and realise how far Ive come. And if someone had told me at the time, not to worry, that all my thoughts and emotions would someday make sense or help me get to a place thats far better than my own understanding, I would have thought them foolish.
Yet here I am. Reading words with an attempt to understanding at the time, I find, that these words have found a place in my life today. I learned how to find strength even when weak, to find God when I can't see Him. I learned to walk, and not run so much. Maybe I sound jaded, and maybe I am, just a little. Maybe I'm not ready to let these walls come down ( ive worked so hard on them) but at least I know, I won't always think like this. Years from now, I'll read what Ive written, or think back on how I used to think, and see how far I've come.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Mind and Emotions
Emotions run wild. They do what they want because it "feels" good. They pull at you like a flute's haunting tune, charming a snake... making it dance. These Emotions play a song... and make us dance...swerve... in an almost hypnotized fashion. They lure us into the "what ifs" and the "what could be"s. They allow us the illusions of what we can make it out to be. They let us play with the ideas of all the possibilities... never minding the possible repercussions. These Emotions.. like drunken fools stumble and laugh. They sing merry songs.. they fall into each others' embrace. They go too far.. they don't care because feelings do what they want.. they do it because it feels good. It doesn't matter if it makes sense... because we have been told things don't always make sense and that is what makes it romantic. Oh Romance.. he's a tricky one too.. he paints elaborate pictures and scenes, ones to dance to, ones to fall in love to. We fall for this because its all too wonderful at the moment, its all too worth it for the moment.. its all too longed for all our lives. Shakespeare taught us love is hard and complicated and should hardly ever make sense.Van Morrison sang to us, and told us love is crazy. So we dance around like foolish, emotional drunks. All because we were told to follow our hearts, to fall into the scenes Romance has painted for us and to allow our Emotions to have their moment.
Then, the sun comes out and pierces through heavy eyelids...and these Emotions wake up to the Mind walking in.
The Mind comes in and sees the mess these Emotions have made. It sees the beautiful paintings Romance has created, in a moment passed, no longer the setting for the present. Romance leaves with paint brush in hand...Shakespeare runs off to write another play...and Morrison is drinking his last sip of whiskey..he's still longing to hear her heart beat... hating how much he needs her.
The Mind shuffles through the mess, picking up broken bottles and broken hearts.
" I was trying to warn you.." it whispers into Emotions ear...and helps pick up Emotions off the floor...
" I know.." mumbles Emotions, with a heavy heart. "but it felt so good at the time... "
Then, the sun comes out and pierces through heavy eyelids...and these Emotions wake up to the Mind walking in.
The Mind comes in and sees the mess these Emotions have made. It sees the beautiful paintings Romance has created, in a moment passed, no longer the setting for the present. Romance leaves with paint brush in hand...Shakespeare runs off to write another play...and Morrison is drinking his last sip of whiskey..he's still longing to hear her heart beat... hating how much he needs her.
The Mind shuffles through the mess, picking up broken bottles and broken hearts.
" I was trying to warn you.." it whispers into Emotions ear...and helps pick up Emotions off the floor...
" I know.." mumbles Emotions, with a heavy heart. "but it felt so good at the time... "
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the problem with intention
Intentions,
my opinions of a situation are often based on someones intentions.
" at least they had good intentions" that reminds me of a story my brother wrote about a boy with good intentions but did not have a welcomed outcome.
I think I have good intentions, but do I?
Or are they completely selfish? selfishness disguised by good intentions? Well they aren't BAD intentions, I don't mean harm on anyone, and I'm quite sure, those who have caused me harm have not always set out with the specific agenda of hurting me. Sometimes they are just reckless, sometimes, they try to do something but end up not being able to, sometimes they think they know what they're doing, when they really don't, and often, some know they don't know what the hell is going on, but act like they do. I find these to be far more harmful. Because, the other is unaware, and caught off guard, they were not expecting hurt and hurt happened. carelessness is the bad intention.
I've had to forgive solely based on the " they were just careless..clumsy with the situation, we all are..." and i have had to be forgiven for the same. I am just as careless, clumsy, selfish, confused, unaware, and "well" intentioned as the next. justification does not find a place here, i am not allowing that ( at least for myself) to justify my clumsiness, instead an awareness and a caution.
Intentions can be a cushion for pain... if the intention was good, and the outcome was not what was expected... you have that.. to forgive the situation and to let it be a peaceful transition to the next part of your life. But it does not eliminate a reason for hurt, or pain.
So while i am very aware that intentions are lost in a pool of excuses for some... i would hope that good intentions hold its ground, in that people remember the intentions and allow room for forgiveness, but remember that as individuals, we have to reap the outcomes of our clumsy, confused, "good" intentions when the outcome isn't what we expected.
my opinions of a situation are often based on someones intentions.
" at least they had good intentions" that reminds me of a story my brother wrote about a boy with good intentions but did not have a welcomed outcome.
I think I have good intentions, but do I?
Or are they completely selfish? selfishness disguised by good intentions? Well they aren't BAD intentions, I don't mean harm on anyone, and I'm quite sure, those who have caused me harm have not always set out with the specific agenda of hurting me. Sometimes they are just reckless, sometimes, they try to do something but end up not being able to, sometimes they think they know what they're doing, when they really don't, and often, some know they don't know what the hell is going on, but act like they do. I find these to be far more harmful. Because, the other is unaware, and caught off guard, they were not expecting hurt and hurt happened. carelessness is the bad intention.
I've had to forgive solely based on the " they were just careless..clumsy with the situation, we all are..." and i have had to be forgiven for the same. I am just as careless, clumsy, selfish, confused, unaware, and "well" intentioned as the next. justification does not find a place here, i am not allowing that ( at least for myself) to justify my clumsiness, instead an awareness and a caution.
Intentions can be a cushion for pain... if the intention was good, and the outcome was not what was expected... you have that.. to forgive the situation and to let it be a peaceful transition to the next part of your life. But it does not eliminate a reason for hurt, or pain.
So while i am very aware that intentions are lost in a pool of excuses for some... i would hope that good intentions hold its ground, in that people remember the intentions and allow room for forgiveness, but remember that as individuals, we have to reap the outcomes of our clumsy, confused, "good" intentions when the outcome isn't what we expected.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
growing pains
I was reading Helen Keller's Story of my Life... in which she writes about her first experiences writing as a little girl. She wrote something (as far as she knew for the first time) and she gave it to someone as a gift. She was very proud and excited. It was published, it was great! it was called The Frost King . But apparently it was not her creation. Somewhere down the line... there was a story shared with her, very much like the one she had written. She was embarrassed. She was certain that she had not remembered that story, and that it was not done on purpose. Some thought that she had fooled them on purpose. She was devastated. She thought she made this up. But somewhere in the back of her mind, this story that was shared, surfaced to the part of her mind that was trying to create something original. She hesitated in creating anything from then on, always second guessing herself, "Are these my thoughts? or someone else's?"
Originality is tricky. In the text, a quote was shared, "nothing you do will ever be original unless you are born that way" especially in thinking.
I'm not original. I'm a product of several experiences in my life. Several stages of my life have brought me to who I am. Several people in my life have affected my style, my appearance, my thinking, and my beliefs. That's okay. I fought this for a long time. I didn't want to be just another face, another person with the same story, and I tried hard to resist fitting any "mold" anyone had for me. I refused to be in any stage in my life appropriate for my age. And to be honest, I think those lines have been blurred. At 21.. you should be….. at 27.. you should have…. at 35.. you should be there…. at 46 you should already have… and at 65, you should be where you want or should be.
Thing is.. I don't have a clue where I want to be or if I'm anywhere I want to be. I'm 26 and without a clue. I have the "essentials" down. I know what I want to do for a living. But thats it. Some would say I'm still young.. I have plenty of time.. Then 36 rolls around, distracted by the mentality of "I have all the time in the world..." and will I be where I want to be then? Where should I be? I also don't want to think about it so much that I forget to be where I am.
What does this have to do with Helen's fight with original thought? Well that's where I'm having trouble figuring out what are my thoughts and wants and what are not mine.
Do I want a house? With a cute dog? and nice furniture? a not so "collegy" car? nice shoes, professional clothing for work? to not dress like I'm a kid anymore? married? thinking about the future and kids?
Or do I want to be young still? Be free? Independent? able to move on a whim? hang out all night and sleep in? without the traditional pressures of "growing up?'
Or do I want that balance I keep talking about? and if so.. how do I get that?
So many people give their input when this topic comes up… friends who have assumed the roles, and other who have not, and they both criticize each other for giving in.
What do I want? and how do I know that it is truly my want and not someone else's story shared with me long ago surfacing when I think I'm creating my own want.
Originality is tricky. In the text, a quote was shared, "nothing you do will ever be original unless you are born that way" especially in thinking.
I'm not original. I'm a product of several experiences in my life. Several stages of my life have brought me to who I am. Several people in my life have affected my style, my appearance, my thinking, and my beliefs. That's okay. I fought this for a long time. I didn't want to be just another face, another person with the same story, and I tried hard to resist fitting any "mold" anyone had for me. I refused to be in any stage in my life appropriate for my age. And to be honest, I think those lines have been blurred. At 21.. you should be….. at 27.. you should have…. at 35.. you should be there…. at 46 you should already have… and at 65, you should be where you want or should be.
Thing is.. I don't have a clue where I want to be or if I'm anywhere I want to be. I'm 26 and without a clue. I have the "essentials" down. I know what I want to do for a living. But thats it. Some would say I'm still young.. I have plenty of time.. Then 36 rolls around, distracted by the mentality of "I have all the time in the world..." and will I be where I want to be then? Where should I be? I also don't want to think about it so much that I forget to be where I am.
What does this have to do with Helen's fight with original thought? Well that's where I'm having trouble figuring out what are my thoughts and wants and what are not mine.
Do I want a house? With a cute dog? and nice furniture? a not so "collegy" car? nice shoes, professional clothing for work? to not dress like I'm a kid anymore? married? thinking about the future and kids?
Or do I want to be young still? Be free? Independent? able to move on a whim? hang out all night and sleep in? without the traditional pressures of "growing up?'
Or do I want that balance I keep talking about? and if so.. how do I get that?
So many people give their input when this topic comes up… friends who have assumed the roles, and other who have not, and they both criticize each other for giving in.
What do I want? and how do I know that it is truly my want and not someone else's story shared with me long ago surfacing when I think I'm creating my own want.
in pursuit
The pursuit has always been a romantic one.
The one with guesses and created assumptions
The one that is longed for as you turn back
just to see if they are indeed pursuing,
The one with twists and turns,
turning your stomach along with it.
But this one,
This one is a new one,
This one is not so romantic, yet still so very.
This one is a pursuit of people
Many different kinds of people.
The ones that make you laugh,
the ones you can finally make laugh
The ones that can sit and talk for hours,
or just walk in silence,
enjoying every moment that passes.
This pursuit is not the romantic kind, and yet, very much so.
In pursuit of people.
The ones with mysterious lives
The ones that are open books, ready to be read.
The ones that have been dying to live,
and the ones who are living, so inspiringly.
The ones with stories, and they all have stories.
Different people, with different voices,
different instruments, different talents.
The old ones.
The ones with a history not found in books,
The ones with young hearts
and wrinkled hands.
The young ones.
With stories ready to be written,
The ones with young hopes
and old souls
The ones with a friendship to offer,
and ready to receive.
The ones who not only lend you an ear,
but give you their heart to share your burdens.
The ones you share blood with,
in pursuit of an even closer bond.
The ones you call kin,
and also call friend.
Those who don't share the same blood,
but share the same bond.
In pursuit of those already known,
to get to know all over again.
The ones you've had all your life,
to make sure they're a part of the rest of your life.
Someday,
I'll pay attention to the other pursuit,
The romantic kind.
The one that makes your heart beat louder than it does.
The one that keeps you glancing over your shoulder,
checking to see if they are pursuing you.
For now, I pursuit people.
Different kinds.
The kinds with stories,
and they all have stories.
The one with guesses and created assumptions
The one that is longed for as you turn back
just to see if they are indeed pursuing,
The one with twists and turns,
turning your stomach along with it.
But this one,
This one is a new one,
This one is not so romantic, yet still so very.
This one is a pursuit of people
Many different kinds of people.
The ones that make you laugh,
the ones you can finally make laugh
The ones that can sit and talk for hours,
or just walk in silence,
enjoying every moment that passes.
This pursuit is not the romantic kind, and yet, very much so.
In pursuit of people.
The ones with mysterious lives
The ones that are open books, ready to be read.
The ones that have been dying to live,
and the ones who are living, so inspiringly.
The ones with stories, and they all have stories.
Different people, with different voices,
different instruments, different talents.
The old ones.
The ones with a history not found in books,
The ones with young hearts
and wrinkled hands.
The young ones.
With stories ready to be written,
The ones with young hopes
and old souls
The ones with a friendship to offer,
and ready to receive.
The ones who not only lend you an ear,
but give you their heart to share your burdens.
The ones you share blood with,
in pursuit of an even closer bond.
The ones you call kin,
and also call friend.
Those who don't share the same blood,
but share the same bond.
In pursuit of those already known,
to get to know all over again.
The ones you've had all your life,
to make sure they're a part of the rest of your life.
Someday,
I'll pay attention to the other pursuit,
The romantic kind.
The one that makes your heart beat louder than it does.
The one that keeps you glancing over your shoulder,
checking to see if they are pursuing you.
For now, I pursuit people.
Different kinds.
The kinds with stories,
and they all have stories.
happiest moments
are those when you can literally feel the excitement of a friends' greatest news..
are those when you see your friends in their shining moment....
are those when someone leaves you the silliest messages on your voicemail...
are those when you and someone can call on any past moment and make it just as good as it was the first time....
are when a friend tells you she misses you.. and means it....
are when you hear the laughter and reactions to a fun movie in a theatre full of pajama-d kids..
are when you get to feel the string of a kite pull at your hand...touching the sky via kite.....
when someone forgives you for getting it stuck in a tree.....
are conversations with kin.. that you are miles away from, yet.. not by blood, but by love are you still in contact with.
are those when the rosie reaches for your hand as she falls asleep next to you....
and when the lily finally accepts you and lets you read to her...
your heart jumps for both of them....
are when you remember that you have a most wonderful family..
and that they're always waiting for you....
are when you see the sky in the most indecisive moods....
are those when you walk with a friend, and you get to share that moment in life with them...forever.
are when you know there is nothing but adventure awaiting.... and knowing you haven't lost the child like heart to take you there......
are those when you see your friends in their shining moment....
are those when someone leaves you the silliest messages on your voicemail...
are those when you and someone can call on any past moment and make it just as good as it was the first time....
are when a friend tells you she misses you.. and means it....
are when you hear the laughter and reactions to a fun movie in a theatre full of pajama-d kids..
are when you get to feel the string of a kite pull at your hand...touching the sky via kite.....
when someone forgives you for getting it stuck in a tree.....
are conversations with kin.. that you are miles away from, yet.. not by blood, but by love are you still in contact with.
are those when the rosie reaches for your hand as she falls asleep next to you....
and when the lily finally accepts you and lets you read to her...
your heart jumps for both of them....
are when you remember that you have a most wonderful family..
and that they're always waiting for you....
are when you see the sky in the most indecisive moods....
are those when you walk with a friend, and you get to share that moment in life with them...forever.
are when you know there is nothing but adventure awaiting.... and knowing you haven't lost the child like heart to take you there......
Saturday, July 19, 2008
value lost: conversation
Somewhere between here and there, the value in certain things has been lost, or maybe just misplaced.Here's one:conversation: Asking someone how their day is going is a pretty loaded question, yet most people quit listening as soon as the words" how is your.." come out of their mouths. I'm talking about strangers too... customers, people we kinda know at the coffee shop, cashiers, etc.
I'm at work and I ask this question over a hundred times in one day, and occasionally someone stops me in my tracks and answers me honestly...." Well she's not doing well" he says..." She has good days and bad days and well today is not a good day.... she's in a great deal of pain..she's fought cancer before..breast cancer and now shes fighting kidney cancer and ..." he goes on. This old old man is having a crappy ass day... his wife is dying.
Another lady tells me she is surviving, her husband died a year ago and having been a housewife all her life, she is just now at ( sixty something?) learning to how sustain herself...A woman tells me she is excited because her son is coming home from the military.. another lady tells me her husband of seven years has a two year old son, that's not hers...
How are you? Heavy words... and most don't listen...even when talking to friends... you are so anxious to tell them about YOUR day... what YOU did... etc. We kinda listen. I'm not saying always.... just sometimes... most of the time...
The things is... most people just need someone to listen.. sometimes... say little things like... " uh huh... " and just react... I asked him what she was fighting.. if she had a good day recently.. letting him know that i don't have any idea what that feels like and i can only imagine... but that i would pray for him and his family to get through this...
The lady with the husband needed to vent... i almost took the part of a long time girlfriend and had my " no ways..." and my " well your better than that..." and ultimately reassured her that she was strong... and that she would be okay in the end....
I shared the excitement for the returning soldier...and told her how wonderful it was to have that happen... i asked her what she planned on doing when he got back.. etc...
As little as it was.. those ( among many) conversations are worth something. Among strangers.... it still had worth.
i love conversation.. Its beautiful... its musical... it can flow smoothly... or have a unique harmony... or it can go totally wrong and be totally off key.. and even those can create some funny stories to tell in future conversation.
The awkwardness in conversation is also intriguing. Its human, its vulnerable. And when the conversation gets comfortable.. the unraveling is pretty cool.Finding people you can carry great conversations is an amazing thing. The kind where no matter what you talk about, you can recall it later that day.. that week... or just later. They stay in your mind like a good song.
I am so fortunate to have found friends and to have a family where conversation is valued. They are carried well, and even when they are not.. they work themselves out into something pretty interesting. Each friend plays a different conversational instrument. And we all play well together... even more, i like introducing friends that don't know each other, almost just to see how well they play together. I'm so blessed to have found friends that play well with me.. and that I play well with.
I know this.. but i know i have abused this art before..i have stopped listening to the answers i had asked, i have tuned out to responses, and stories in anticipation of telling mine. I have devalued the value of conversation, I can only hope to remember this and continue to value the words and stories told to me from now on...
I'm at work and I ask this question over a hundred times in one day, and occasionally someone stops me in my tracks and answers me honestly...." Well she's not doing well" he says..." She has good days and bad days and well today is not a good day.... she's in a great deal of pain..she's fought cancer before..breast cancer and now shes fighting kidney cancer and ..." he goes on. This old old man is having a crappy ass day... his wife is dying.
Another lady tells me she is surviving, her husband died a year ago and having been a housewife all her life, she is just now at ( sixty something?) learning to how sustain herself...A woman tells me she is excited because her son is coming home from the military.. another lady tells me her husband of seven years has a two year old son, that's not hers...
How are you? Heavy words... and most don't listen...even when talking to friends... you are so anxious to tell them about YOUR day... what YOU did... etc. We kinda listen. I'm not saying always.... just sometimes... most of the time...
The things is... most people just need someone to listen.. sometimes... say little things like... " uh huh... " and just react... I asked him what she was fighting.. if she had a good day recently.. letting him know that i don't have any idea what that feels like and i can only imagine... but that i would pray for him and his family to get through this...
The lady with the husband needed to vent... i almost took the part of a long time girlfriend and had my " no ways..." and my " well your better than that..." and ultimately reassured her that she was strong... and that she would be okay in the end....
I shared the excitement for the returning soldier...and told her how wonderful it was to have that happen... i asked her what she planned on doing when he got back.. etc...
As little as it was.. those ( among many) conversations are worth something. Among strangers.... it still had worth.
i love conversation.. Its beautiful... its musical... it can flow smoothly... or have a unique harmony... or it can go totally wrong and be totally off key.. and even those can create some funny stories to tell in future conversation.
The awkwardness in conversation is also intriguing. Its human, its vulnerable. And when the conversation gets comfortable.. the unraveling is pretty cool.Finding people you can carry great conversations is an amazing thing. The kind where no matter what you talk about, you can recall it later that day.. that week... or just later. They stay in your mind like a good song.
I am so fortunate to have found friends and to have a family where conversation is valued. They are carried well, and even when they are not.. they work themselves out into something pretty interesting. Each friend plays a different conversational instrument. And we all play well together... even more, i like introducing friends that don't know each other, almost just to see how well they play together. I'm so blessed to have found friends that play well with me.. and that I play well with.
I know this.. but i know i have abused this art before..i have stopped listening to the answers i had asked, i have tuned out to responses, and stories in anticipation of telling mine. I have devalued the value of conversation, I can only hope to remember this and continue to value the words and stories told to me from now on...
Monday, June 30, 2008
spoiled
How does one gain the necessary patience to get through the waiting season? There is a certain jealousy i hold for those who wait patiently. Those who save up for things they want. Those who are capable of waiting and displaying the discipline in not falling into the spoiled nature. The spoiled nature is that of wanting something and getting it, even if the timing is wrong, its not ready, your not ready, and possibly ruining it due to your impatience. I carry this, heavily. I want something. I get it.
I don't know the feeling of not having money.
I'm not rich, by any means, but i have this beautiful little piece of plastic that has taught me one thing, "get it now....pay for it later". Meanwhile, the interest piles up, charges start rolling in, ten dollars here, twenty there, fifty here, so on and so on. A year later I'm paying for a dinner i ate six months ago. A year later, I'm paying for something that's hanging in my closet, unused, ready to go to Goodwill. A year later, I'm paying for my spoiled nature, and more than likely adding on to this debt by buying more things.
i spend money like i have it.
I don't know how to wait. I know the concept, but don't know how to put it in action. One thing i have learned from Christianity that has been pretty consistent in my learning, is the act of waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Hmm... this one is tricky. I should wait on the Lord, meanwhile, i should continue to live, according to his will. How does one know where his will is? How do i know if i am going the right direction? Even when i feel i am going the wrong direction, how do i know its not really the right direction? Waiting.
I should be waiting. I'm not. Instead i fall into debt, not financially but emotionally, impatiently, and spiritually.
waiting.
Such a difficult task.
we wait for test results, we wait for someone to get home, we wait to do something we want to do until the appropriate time, we wait to get our paychecks, we wait to hear what we have always wanted to hear, we wait. We wait to allow time for preparation. We wait, and wait and wait. Then the moment comes, and its over so quickly. you move on to the next thing to wait for.
This patience, and discipline is much needed, much needed for this wait.
I don't know the feeling of not having money.
I'm not rich, by any means, but i have this beautiful little piece of plastic that has taught me one thing, "get it now....pay for it later". Meanwhile, the interest piles up, charges start rolling in, ten dollars here, twenty there, fifty here, so on and so on. A year later I'm paying for a dinner i ate six months ago. A year later, I'm paying for something that's hanging in my closet, unused, ready to go to Goodwill. A year later, I'm paying for my spoiled nature, and more than likely adding on to this debt by buying more things.
i spend money like i have it.
I don't know how to wait. I know the concept, but don't know how to put it in action. One thing i have learned from Christianity that has been pretty consistent in my learning, is the act of waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Hmm... this one is tricky. I should wait on the Lord, meanwhile, i should continue to live, according to his will. How does one know where his will is? How do i know if i am going the right direction? Even when i feel i am going the wrong direction, how do i know its not really the right direction? Waiting.
I should be waiting. I'm not. Instead i fall into debt, not financially but emotionally, impatiently, and spiritually.
waiting.
Such a difficult task.
we wait for test results, we wait for someone to get home, we wait to do something we want to do until the appropriate time, we wait to get our paychecks, we wait to hear what we have always wanted to hear, we wait. We wait to allow time for preparation. We wait, and wait and wait. Then the moment comes, and its over so quickly. you move on to the next thing to wait for.
This patience, and discipline is much needed, much needed for this wait.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
an act of love
Love
Love is amazing.
It is some sort of reward, and a sort of grace, it alleviates pain.
When in love, or in its presence, there is a period of suffering. The suffering comes from the yearning, the wanting, the missing, and the fear of losing love.
When you know that a love exists, you know you can miss out on it.
When you know that such a wonderful thing is out there, you yearn for it.
We look for it in each other. I seek love. On a daily basis, I also try to give love. Sometimes I don't have to give a thought, it just happens, I love.
Other times, I have to pull it out, and hand it over.
Love is amazing. It's a gift to one another. You can see it, you can feel it, and you can experience it.
From friends, you give and receive love constantly. To hear my friends say to me that they love me is amazing. It causes the same sort of heartbeat skipping that one gets from the romantic love. I know their love is true, they show it in conversation, in action and in loyalty. They show their love in sacrifice. I can only hope that they feel the same love from me.
Family love is also a blessing. To know that these people who share your blood would do anything for you. It is especially a blessing when you can say in confidence that this love will fight anything, only to keep you together. I love my family, with a love that is irreplaceable.
These are interchangeable. Sometimes, a family becomes wonderful friends, and sometimes, wonderful friends become your family.
We seek love. Those who are without love in their lives seek love; those with love seek more of it. It's the one thing that keeps everyone in pursuit.
Love
I've often looked over my faith, my beliefs and wonder why it is I decided to follow this. What is it that has kept me coming back to this? What holds on to me even when I try to run away, and oh I have tried to run away from this? I've been given proof. There is too much in history to deny the existence of Jesus Christ. There is also too much evidence of his resurrection. There is too much in the world to deny a creator. All of this wasn't enough.
Something happened. A man died on a cross like many others before him. The only crime he committed according to those who crucified him, was telling us about love. The one thing that is beautiful above all beauties!! He told us that there is a love, a love that desires us.. US. He didn't tell anyone to kill him to prove to the world that He brought us salvation through love; he was killed because he said it anyway. I gave this analogy to a friend. If a someone were to go somewhere to defend someone, or to give them information that would save a life, even though they knew it would not be accepted by others and they might be ousted forever for saying these things, and they said it anyway, in LOVE, they would be showing an act of love, and if there were consequences after that, then so be it. There was a consequence after this; his dying on the cross was not the act of love, yet the consequence of His telling us of this great love. Imagine a woman jumping into the river to save her children from drowning, her intention is not to die, but she risks it in order to save the lives of her babies. She dies in the process, saving the lives of her children, giving her own, because she loved them. He came to us to show us love. All his teachings, all of what is written is based on love. LOVE. Yet, we deny it. We focus on the "religion" on the things we don't like about this religion, the churches and their fancy buildings, the "Christians" that so recklessly carry his name, because obviously, they are to be perfect should they decide to carry that name. ( sarc) We focus on the imposing it does on our lives.. " prayer.. psshhh.. church… no way… I don't want a Jesus fish on my car.. I don't want to go to bible studies and become another one of those…." well then don't. But know this…. there is love. And all of this "stuff" you see out there in the world is a distraction from the truth His love. Should you ever decided to ask this "God" out there what its all about… you will see that it is ultimately about love.
The suffering that we do, in the name of love, the sacrifices we make in the name of love. For friends, for family, for romance, we do in pursuit of love and in giving love. He did that too. He desires our love. Not our money, not our rituals, nothing other than acknowledgement that what He did for us what love, and that this love is the gateway to Him, and a relationship with. All the other things, will slowly unravel in understanding, and we won't ever understand everything, just like the mother who dies to save her children, she will never be completely understood, her children will never know all the thoughts that made up her mind, or why she did things the way she did, or why she gave them limitations and boundaries, or why she brought them into this world. The one thing that is absolutely clear is she acted out on love in creating a bond and relationship with her children and in the end saving them.
Love is amazing.
It is some sort of reward, and a sort of grace, it alleviates pain.
When in love, or in its presence, there is a period of suffering. The suffering comes from the yearning, the wanting, the missing, and the fear of losing love.
When you know that a love exists, you know you can miss out on it.
When you know that such a wonderful thing is out there, you yearn for it.
We look for it in each other. I seek love. On a daily basis, I also try to give love. Sometimes I don't have to give a thought, it just happens, I love.
Other times, I have to pull it out, and hand it over.
Love is amazing. It's a gift to one another. You can see it, you can feel it, and you can experience it.
From friends, you give and receive love constantly. To hear my friends say to me that they love me is amazing. It causes the same sort of heartbeat skipping that one gets from the romantic love. I know their love is true, they show it in conversation, in action and in loyalty. They show their love in sacrifice. I can only hope that they feel the same love from me.
Family love is also a blessing. To know that these people who share your blood would do anything for you. It is especially a blessing when you can say in confidence that this love will fight anything, only to keep you together. I love my family, with a love that is irreplaceable.
These are interchangeable. Sometimes, a family becomes wonderful friends, and sometimes, wonderful friends become your family.
We seek love. Those who are without love in their lives seek love; those with love seek more of it. It's the one thing that keeps everyone in pursuit.
Love
I've often looked over my faith, my beliefs and wonder why it is I decided to follow this. What is it that has kept me coming back to this? What holds on to me even when I try to run away, and oh I have tried to run away from this? I've been given proof. There is too much in history to deny the existence of Jesus Christ. There is also too much evidence of his resurrection. There is too much in the world to deny a creator. All of this wasn't enough.
Something happened. A man died on a cross like many others before him. The only crime he committed according to those who crucified him, was telling us about love. The one thing that is beautiful above all beauties!! He told us that there is a love, a love that desires us.. US. He didn't tell anyone to kill him to prove to the world that He brought us salvation through love; he was killed because he said it anyway. I gave this analogy to a friend. If a someone were to go somewhere to defend someone, or to give them information that would save a life, even though they knew it would not be accepted by others and they might be ousted forever for saying these things, and they said it anyway, in LOVE, they would be showing an act of love, and if there were consequences after that, then so be it. There was a consequence after this; his dying on the cross was not the act of love, yet the consequence of His telling us of this great love. Imagine a woman jumping into the river to save her children from drowning, her intention is not to die, but she risks it in order to save the lives of her babies. She dies in the process, saving the lives of her children, giving her own, because she loved them. He came to us to show us love. All his teachings, all of what is written is based on love. LOVE. Yet, we deny it. We focus on the "religion" on the things we don't like about this religion, the churches and their fancy buildings, the "Christians" that so recklessly carry his name, because obviously, they are to be perfect should they decide to carry that name. ( sarc) We focus on the imposing it does on our lives.. " prayer.. psshhh.. church… no way… I don't want a Jesus fish on my car.. I don't want to go to bible studies and become another one of those…." well then don't. But know this…. there is love. And all of this "stuff" you see out there in the world is a distraction from the truth His love. Should you ever decided to ask this "God" out there what its all about… you will see that it is ultimately about love.
The suffering that we do, in the name of love, the sacrifices we make in the name of love. For friends, for family, for romance, we do in pursuit of love and in giving love. He did that too. He desires our love. Not our money, not our rituals, nothing other than acknowledgement that what He did for us what love, and that this love is the gateway to Him, and a relationship with. All the other things, will slowly unravel in understanding, and we won't ever understand everything, just like the mother who dies to save her children, she will never be completely understood, her children will never know all the thoughts that made up her mind, or why she did things the way she did, or why she gave them limitations and boundaries, or why she brought them into this world. The one thing that is absolutely clear is she acted out on love in creating a bond and relationship with her children and in the end saving them.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
the rebellion
I think people believe they exist in a time that encourages self thought. The time of " do as you are told, believe as you are told, think as you are told" are somewhat over. We are no longer at the grip of authority in thought. You can argue this, but really, we live in a time and day that we are pretty much allowed to hold our own beliefs. ( at least here in America) You can not force me to live a life I refuse to live. While we do have societal standards as to how we are going to survive, and if we don't follow these standards, we may lose the freedom to live comfortably, we still have the choice to live as we please. We are no longer in the days of the witch hunt where people are killed for our differences ( yes i understand it still happens.. but as a society... its pretty much not acceptable). The idea that a woman is to stay at home and raise children is outdated. We are no longer to believe in one true God. We are allowed to meet him wherever and however, at our pace, and on our terms. This "God" will meet us where we want to meet.
We've rebelled from the the norms and the standards that a higher governance has set for us. I pretty much can choose to believe what i want, to live a certain life and to be a certain way, of course, without denying someone rights to the same freedoms.
But... what if... i want to be a stay at home mom... well then, i stand the chance of being accused of falling to the sexist mentality that has been ruling time. I stand being ousted by professional women who say that's not what i really want.. i just want that because that's what I've been told i want. What if i want to cook and clean for my husband, while he goes to work and supports the family. All of this within reason, ( he's not to abuse this either) What if i choose to believe in One TRUE God? Well that's silly. Why would you do that when we've been trying so hard to get away from the rules, rituals, and suffocatings of Christianity? Especially when there are so many other religions that do not tell you there is only ONE way to God. That's so restrictive
Why not?
I believe people have lost the full ability to think for themselves. Just because someone, somewhere, in some time, abused the idea, took it and distorted it, manipulated it, rearranged it and kept the same name... doesn't mean that at some point, in the beginning, it wasn't something good.
Women... we are nurturing. We want to take care of the ones we love... I know i do. In whatever way i can, i want to make sure they are taken care of... children, or no children, we are nurturing. We were created to hold life... whether or not we do.. we as a whole, were created to do so... that's a HUGE call! That requires a strength that comes from being nurturing. That's okay. We are not weaker than, we just acquire different strengths. We can tolerate immense pain, but we still maintain an amount of delicacy. I'm okay with that. I want to be delicate, I want to be taken care of too. I want the man i marry to be a stronger person, ( not just by physical strength) but by having the ability to take care of me, while I'm taking care of our children and him as well. Chivalry is now considered offensive. Opening a door for you doesn't mean they think you can't, they are just making a gesture of courtesy! A genuine man of strength acknowledges your strength, but will also let you use it whenever he can't, and will almost let you save your strength for whenever you need it. But i have been told, that if a man offers to open the door, or to carry something heavy, or let him take care of something, it means, he thinks i can't. Like mentioned earlier, some men have manipulated this, and actually do think we are weak, fragile beings that can't do anything, and really any man who thinks this way, and is aware of the fact that women give birth, and go through almost a weeks worth of pain EVERY month, really aren't worth the argument. They speak for themselves. All I am saying, is.... i feel in our rebellion of what a woman's place is, we lost our own desire to where we want to be. Sure, be a professional... be a career woman, let your husband stay at home. That's fine! but if you want to stay home.. then do it... and don;t feel that you are surrendering to the idea that you are doing exactly what "we've" fought so hard to get away from.
As for God. I think that religion has been shoved down our throats for so long, that now, we spit out everything!!
Everyone is so okay now with believing in anything but the Christian God. If you decide to follow anything BUT Christianity , than you are truly open minded and wise. But if you choose to believe in Jesus, and His Divinity, well then ,you haven't really explored your options.
Thing is.. people reject Christ, because they can't possibly believe in that ... yet they fall into the novelties of a million other religions and beliefs without exploring its validity. Christians are constantly being mocked and criticized., but how dare you say something to disgrace the honor of Buddha, or any of the Hindu Gods. I'm not encouraging anyone to start doing this, its not right to disrespect anyone or their beliefs. But as a whole, I think that its become more okay to reject and mock Christianity than any other belief. Yes, i am aware that there have been some ( many ) "Christians" that have done many unruly things, but if you knew anything about this faith, and what it is based on, these " Christian" masks would be removed and you would see that these people were not acting on faith, and on a relationship with Christ. Christianity has nothing to hide. Its open to investigation. Its open to examination. Its a shame that people have taken the name, manipulated it, twisted it and carried it to open forums for everyone to see. If someone was to take my name, and in the name of "Flora" do horrendous things, wrong things, manipulated things, of course, people would see that, and of course pay little attention to the other who in my name went out and did good. If others took my name and in my name were helpful, gentle, and loving people, they would not get the same attention. Without ever knowing anything about ME, you would reject me, because you never even tried to know me. Without ever knowing Jesus, people reject Him. They base their view on those who have taken his name and acted solely on their manipulating intentions.
Because so many have shoved this religion down people's throats, this FAITH is being spit out. Should people decide to try and see for themselves.. who knows... you might agree with it.
SO think for yourselves, we are allowed that freedom, and i feel as if though we have been tricked into thinking we have had this freedom. Its really been pushed to the opposite and become sort of a rebellion.
"eat vegetables, they are good for you..."
" No.. i don't wanna eat vegetables.. you can't tell me what to do"..
We've rebelled from the the norms and the standards that a higher governance has set for us. I pretty much can choose to believe what i want, to live a certain life and to be a certain way, of course, without denying someone rights to the same freedoms.
But... what if... i want to be a stay at home mom... well then, i stand the chance of being accused of falling to the sexist mentality that has been ruling time. I stand being ousted by professional women who say that's not what i really want.. i just want that because that's what I've been told i want. What if i want to cook and clean for my husband, while he goes to work and supports the family. All of this within reason, ( he's not to abuse this either) What if i choose to believe in One TRUE God? Well that's silly. Why would you do that when we've been trying so hard to get away from the rules, rituals, and suffocatings of Christianity? Especially when there are so many other religions that do not tell you there is only ONE way to God. That's so restrictive
Why not?
I believe people have lost the full ability to think for themselves. Just because someone, somewhere, in some time, abused the idea, took it and distorted it, manipulated it, rearranged it and kept the same name... doesn't mean that at some point, in the beginning, it wasn't something good.
Women... we are nurturing. We want to take care of the ones we love... I know i do. In whatever way i can, i want to make sure they are taken care of... children, or no children, we are nurturing. We were created to hold life... whether or not we do.. we as a whole, were created to do so... that's a HUGE call! That requires a strength that comes from being nurturing. That's okay. We are not weaker than, we just acquire different strengths. We can tolerate immense pain, but we still maintain an amount of delicacy. I'm okay with that. I want to be delicate, I want to be taken care of too. I want the man i marry to be a stronger person, ( not just by physical strength) but by having the ability to take care of me, while I'm taking care of our children and him as well. Chivalry is now considered offensive. Opening a door for you doesn't mean they think you can't, they are just making a gesture of courtesy! A genuine man of strength acknowledges your strength, but will also let you use it whenever he can't, and will almost let you save your strength for whenever you need it. But i have been told, that if a man offers to open the door, or to carry something heavy, or let him take care of something, it means, he thinks i can't. Like mentioned earlier, some men have manipulated this, and actually do think we are weak, fragile beings that can't do anything, and really any man who thinks this way, and is aware of the fact that women give birth, and go through almost a weeks worth of pain EVERY month, really aren't worth the argument. They speak for themselves. All I am saying, is.... i feel in our rebellion of what a woman's place is, we lost our own desire to where we want to be. Sure, be a professional... be a career woman, let your husband stay at home. That's fine! but if you want to stay home.. then do it... and don;t feel that you are surrendering to the idea that you are doing exactly what "we've" fought so hard to get away from.
As for God. I think that religion has been shoved down our throats for so long, that now, we spit out everything!!
Everyone is so okay now with believing in anything but the Christian God. If you decide to follow anything BUT Christianity , than you are truly open minded and wise. But if you choose to believe in Jesus, and His Divinity, well then ,you haven't really explored your options.
Thing is.. people reject Christ, because they can't possibly believe in that ... yet they fall into the novelties of a million other religions and beliefs without exploring its validity. Christians are constantly being mocked and criticized., but how dare you say something to disgrace the honor of Buddha, or any of the Hindu Gods. I'm not encouraging anyone to start doing this, its not right to disrespect anyone or their beliefs. But as a whole, I think that its become more okay to reject and mock Christianity than any other belief. Yes, i am aware that there have been some ( many ) "Christians" that have done many unruly things, but if you knew anything about this faith, and what it is based on, these " Christian" masks would be removed and you would see that these people were not acting on faith, and on a relationship with Christ. Christianity has nothing to hide. Its open to investigation. Its open to examination. Its a shame that people have taken the name, manipulated it, twisted it and carried it to open forums for everyone to see. If someone was to take my name, and in the name of "Flora" do horrendous things, wrong things, manipulated things, of course, people would see that, and of course pay little attention to the other who in my name went out and did good. If others took my name and in my name were helpful, gentle, and loving people, they would not get the same attention. Without ever knowing anything about ME, you would reject me, because you never even tried to know me. Without ever knowing Jesus, people reject Him. They base their view on those who have taken his name and acted solely on their manipulating intentions.
Because so many have shoved this religion down people's throats, this FAITH is being spit out. Should people decide to try and see for themselves.. who knows... you might agree with it.
SO think for yourselves, we are allowed that freedom, and i feel as if though we have been tricked into thinking we have had this freedom. Its really been pushed to the opposite and become sort of a rebellion.
"eat vegetables, they are good for you..."
" No.. i don't wanna eat vegetables.. you can't tell me what to do"..
after the storm
The storm is over... at least the worst part.... the rain is still falling, on the occasion it gets a little heavier, but for the most part, the skies are clearing and the sun is rising. The waves are calmer, and the decks are drying.
In that storm I cried for Him. In that storm, I begged for His help. The waves came crashing in and I could not even stand on my own two feet. In that storm, I knew He was the only one who could help me.
In that storm, I extended my arms out to Him and He graciously took me in. He gave me peace, and comfort. He let me know that should this ship go down, He still had me.
Now, the storm is gone. I delight in the beautiful rays of sun, as they touch my skin and make me feel the great warmth it has. It's been many days since that time of the storm, and the longer it is, the more I stop crying out for Him. The less I even recognize Him in my thoughts. The less I reach out to Him. Yet, I bask in the grace and peace that He has given me. I enjoy the clear skies He has allowed me. Little thanks have been given.
How many times do we cry out for Him to give His grace? His peace? His mercy?And when given, how often do we keep crying out for HIM?
As a friend, how many times has someone come running to you for your help and when they recieve it, they thank you, linger then move on, keeping little touch with you, and making you feel a little forgotten? I know I've done that, with no ill intention, but I have done that. How many times has that been done to you? We get hurt, we feel offended, and sometimes, we take back our acts of kindness or hesitate to give them out again. Not Him. He continues to give His help over and over again, and we keep taking it and leaving. Again, not with ill intention, but we do.
The hard part is remembering this is the midst of its happening, with our friends and with God. But He, He never forgets us..... not once....
How great is He.
In that storm I cried for Him. In that storm, I begged for His help. The waves came crashing in and I could not even stand on my own two feet. In that storm, I knew He was the only one who could help me.
In that storm, I extended my arms out to Him and He graciously took me in. He gave me peace, and comfort. He let me know that should this ship go down, He still had me.
Now, the storm is gone. I delight in the beautiful rays of sun, as they touch my skin and make me feel the great warmth it has. It's been many days since that time of the storm, and the longer it is, the more I stop crying out for Him. The less I even recognize Him in my thoughts. The less I reach out to Him. Yet, I bask in the grace and peace that He has given me. I enjoy the clear skies He has allowed me. Little thanks have been given.
How many times do we cry out for Him to give His grace? His peace? His mercy?And when given, how often do we keep crying out for HIM?
As a friend, how many times has someone come running to you for your help and when they recieve it, they thank you, linger then move on, keeping little touch with you, and making you feel a little forgotten? I know I've done that, with no ill intention, but I have done that. How many times has that been done to you? We get hurt, we feel offended, and sometimes, we take back our acts of kindness or hesitate to give them out again. Not Him. He continues to give His help over and over again, and we keep taking it and leaving. Again, not with ill intention, but we do.
The hard part is remembering this is the midst of its happening, with our friends and with God. But He, He never forgets us..... not once....
How great is He.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Heavy Words
Words can become very heavy, and yet remain with such delicacy. A word and its interpretation, and all the ideas that follow can lead to great discoveries about how you have always looked at that word and how you look at it now..a symbol of the great changes one goes through in life, a sort of progression.
There are a few words, ( though they them seem to multiply in definition) circling around in my mind at this time; Hope, Faith, and Trust. These words carry so much weight, that even in typing them, I rearranged them in a significant order and capitalized them to show that they are indeed heavy words.
Hope
Hebrews 6:19-20
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."
This has always been a favorite verse of mine, partly because of its nautical reference and my slight fascination with anchors and ships. Mostly because of the "anchor for the soul" part. I felt ( at that time in my life) that my hope was all that I had... note, I made it MY hope.
Faith.
As believers, we profess our Faith. We have Faith in someone we can not see, but who in testimony, have seen His works in our lives. We have witnessed His miracles, and interventions in our lives. We have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and we have accepted His word as truth. Our Faith makes room for our Hope to gain strength. Earlier, I emphasized that it was my hope, that was an anchor to my soul. My Faith was built on this hope, for a very long time, even to recent times.
Hebrews 11:1
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Trust
from the Merriam Webster dictionary ;
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.
To Trust someone, anyone is to say, " I have no doubt in my mind or heart that you will come through for me to the best of your ability"...for example, we put our trust in Doctors and their staff to do all that they can to save our lives....
To say we trust someone is to say " I believe your intentions are good, and that you are not out to hurt me..." we get hurt most when we put our trust in someone and they misuse that.. " I TRUSTED him/her, how could he/she do this?"
Psalm 62:8
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah"
A new meaning
Hope...
As stated earlier.. I had this idea that it was MY hope that was an anchor to my soul.. and it was very much my anchor.. and I was far from being anchored..."This Ship" was swaying back and forth and unable to reach the harbor...( God's presence ) basically... this anchor was weak.
In reading and in conversation with friends about this verse ( one friend specifically explained this verse to me...)
Hebrews 6:19-22
19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
From my understanding...in the these times, the inner sanctuary was a place where only high priests were allowed to be "close to God", and the heavy curtains kept others out. Jesus went before us, entering on our behalf... further solidifying that Jesus is the only way to God...
In reading, ( The Quest Study Bible) I understood that we are the ship close to harbor, but for whatever reason, be it tides, fog, unsteady water, we are unable to get to the harbor ( God's presence), Jesus comes to us as another ship, bringing an anchor to the harbor, to get us there. Our soul anchored to God, through Jesus and His promise for us.
All this time, I was using MY hope as an anchor... it's no wonder my heart has been without peace... it's no wonder I have been so scared, and so worried.. and so incredibly impatient.
I have been so unaware that My hope was so fragile...
"I hope for the best.." "I hope he doesn't fall" "I hope I don't get hurt..." " I hope we get through this.." I---meaning my hope... is very unsecured...
I was placing this hope in my relationship with God... " I hope He is real.." " I hope He gets me through this"
Hebrews 11:11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
FAITH is being SURE of our hope...
How can we get this certainty?
Its in Heb 6:19.... HE is our Hope...
HE gives us Hope.. it is not our own natural, very human, very weak hope, but His Hope... just as we would ask for His Strength when ours fails us.. just as we ask for His Peace.. when our hearts want to explode... just as we ask for His Joy when there is no sign of joy. Seek not our own ... but instead for His.
My journey as a believer has very little evidence of my Trusting in God. I've been impatient in His will for me, I have been scared and worried most of my life, I have taken things into my own hands and have broken them, as "careful" as i thought i was with them. In that i have been slowly breaking myself..a product of not TRUSTING in God. I have been using my hope..and that has given very little fuel for faith.. though it has been there. All this leads to a life lacking Trust in God..
I can only compare this to a parent-child relationship. The relationship is there... The parent is the parent and the child is the child.. you can't argue that.
But how often to do we not trust our parents? Our juvenile minds question them.. and don't listen to them.. even when it is known that they have the best intentions for us...but they are still our parents, and while we acknowledge that, we don't trust them and their advice...
He is our Father. We should Trust him. He knows us, more than we know ourselves.. who better to guide us through the rough waters and dark paths?
Romans 15:13
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
There are a few words, ( though they them seem to multiply in definition) circling around in my mind at this time; Hope, Faith, and Trust. These words carry so much weight, that even in typing them, I rearranged them in a significant order and capitalized them to show that they are indeed heavy words.
Hope
Hebrews 6:19-20
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."
This has always been a favorite verse of mine, partly because of its nautical reference and my slight fascination with anchors and ships. Mostly because of the "anchor for the soul" part. I felt ( at that time in my life) that my hope was all that I had... note, I made it MY hope.
Faith.
As believers, we profess our Faith. We have Faith in someone we can not see, but who in testimony, have seen His works in our lives. We have witnessed His miracles, and interventions in our lives. We have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and we have accepted His word as truth. Our Faith makes room for our Hope to gain strength. Earlier, I emphasized that it was my hope, that was an anchor to my soul. My Faith was built on this hope, for a very long time, even to recent times.
Hebrews 11:1
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Trust
from the Merriam Webster dictionary ;
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.
To Trust someone, anyone is to say, " I have no doubt in my mind or heart that you will come through for me to the best of your ability"...for example, we put our trust in Doctors and their staff to do all that they can to save our lives....
To say we trust someone is to say " I believe your intentions are good, and that you are not out to hurt me..." we get hurt most when we put our trust in someone and they misuse that.. " I TRUSTED him/her, how could he/she do this?"
Psalm 62:8
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah"
A new meaning
Hope...
As stated earlier.. I had this idea that it was MY hope that was an anchor to my soul.. and it was very much my anchor.. and I was far from being anchored..."This Ship" was swaying back and forth and unable to reach the harbor...( God's presence ) basically... this anchor was weak.
In reading and in conversation with friends about this verse ( one friend specifically explained this verse to me...)
Hebrews 6:19-22
19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
From my understanding...in the these times, the inner sanctuary was a place where only high priests were allowed to be "close to God", and the heavy curtains kept others out. Jesus went before us, entering on our behalf... further solidifying that Jesus is the only way to God...
In reading, ( The Quest Study Bible) I understood that we are the ship close to harbor, but for whatever reason, be it tides, fog, unsteady water, we are unable to get to the harbor ( God's presence), Jesus comes to us as another ship, bringing an anchor to the harbor, to get us there. Our soul anchored to God, through Jesus and His promise for us.
All this time, I was using MY hope as an anchor... it's no wonder my heart has been without peace... it's no wonder I have been so scared, and so worried.. and so incredibly impatient.
I have been so unaware that My hope was so fragile...
"I hope for the best.." "I hope he doesn't fall" "I hope I don't get hurt..." " I hope we get through this.." I---meaning my hope... is very unsecured...
I was placing this hope in my relationship with God... " I hope He is real.." " I hope He gets me through this"
Hebrews 11:11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
FAITH is being SURE of our hope...
How can we get this certainty?
Its in Heb 6:19.... HE is our Hope...
HE gives us Hope.. it is not our own natural, very human, very weak hope, but His Hope... just as we would ask for His Strength when ours fails us.. just as we ask for His Peace.. when our hearts want to explode... just as we ask for His Joy when there is no sign of joy. Seek not our own ... but instead for His.
My journey as a believer has very little evidence of my Trusting in God. I've been impatient in His will for me, I have been scared and worried most of my life, I have taken things into my own hands and have broken them, as "careful" as i thought i was with them. In that i have been slowly breaking myself..a product of not TRUSTING in God. I have been using my hope..and that has given very little fuel for faith.. though it has been there. All this leads to a life lacking Trust in God..
I can only compare this to a parent-child relationship. The relationship is there... The parent is the parent and the child is the child.. you can't argue that.
But how often to do we not trust our parents? Our juvenile minds question them.. and don't listen to them.. even when it is known that they have the best intentions for us...but they are still our parents, and while we acknowledge that, we don't trust them and their advice...
He is our Father. We should Trust him. He knows us, more than we know ourselves.. who better to guide us through the rough waters and dark paths?
Romans 15:13
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
love
A misused, mistrusted, mistaken word.
In all its complexities, it really is just very simple. The thing that complicates it is fear. We are so afraid to love. We are so scared of giving love and not receiving it in return. People allow themselves to love when there is a sense of promise that they will receive it in return. I'm guilty of this. I won't allow myself to love until I see at least a glimmer of hope that I will too be loved. This is romantically speaking.
In our self righteousness, we determine who deserves our love. Those who are rude, mean, bitter, angry, hateful, do not deserve our love. I met a man at work who had some difficulties in getting his check cashed. He was rude, he was loud. He was wearing a shirt that said" homeland security, Arizona division" that made my blood boil. I seemed to have won him over because he began to smile as I reassured him that I would do anything possible to get his check cashed and that if I couldn't it was something I could not control. I smiled at him and he settled down. I was able to do his transaction. Oddly enough, my blood didn't boil too much. It had settled. I prayed for love that was beyond my own. I chose to show this man, this stranger love in the form of kindness.
There are people in my life that are so easy to love. They welcome it. They give it back. There are kind strangers in my life that make it so easy to show kindness.
What about those who don’t make it so easy? What about those who have abused your kindness? What about those who have hurt you, deceived you, made a fool out of you, and those who have misused you? What about those who don't see life as valuable and destroy it? They are obviously undeserving of anyone's love. What about yourself? You of all people can hurt yourself so easily by taking so little care of yourself, how do you love yourself?
Yet, above all these, is the greatest love. The love we reach out for when we can't find it our hearts to love. It is the kind of love that sees past the deserving and the undeserved, the kind of love that loves us, even when we don't love back.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to love like that?
Was he not afraid to love us? Does he not know that we ( people) may not love him back? Yet, he does. He loves us.
In all its complexities, it really is just very simple. The thing that complicates it is fear. We are so afraid to love. We are so scared of giving love and not receiving it in return. People allow themselves to love when there is a sense of promise that they will receive it in return. I'm guilty of this. I won't allow myself to love until I see at least a glimmer of hope that I will too be loved. This is romantically speaking.
In our self righteousness, we determine who deserves our love. Those who are rude, mean, bitter, angry, hateful, do not deserve our love. I met a man at work who had some difficulties in getting his check cashed. He was rude, he was loud. He was wearing a shirt that said" homeland security, Arizona division" that made my blood boil. I seemed to have won him over because he began to smile as I reassured him that I would do anything possible to get his check cashed and that if I couldn't it was something I could not control. I smiled at him and he settled down. I was able to do his transaction. Oddly enough, my blood didn't boil too much. It had settled. I prayed for love that was beyond my own. I chose to show this man, this stranger love in the form of kindness.
There are people in my life that are so easy to love. They welcome it. They give it back. There are kind strangers in my life that make it so easy to show kindness.
What about those who don’t make it so easy? What about those who have abused your kindness? What about those who have hurt you, deceived you, made a fool out of you, and those who have misused you? What about those who don't see life as valuable and destroy it? They are obviously undeserving of anyone's love. What about yourself? You of all people can hurt yourself so easily by taking so little care of yourself, how do you love yourself?
Yet, above all these, is the greatest love. The love we reach out for when we can't find it our hearts to love. It is the kind of love that sees past the deserving and the undeserved, the kind of love that loves us, even when we don't love back.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to love like that?
Was he not afraid to love us? Does he not know that we ( people) may not love him back? Yet, he does. He loves us.
aches
The ache begins in my fingers then trails up my arm, through my wrists, and into my shoulders. The muscles in my back feel like they are burning. Then the burning turns into a tightness. This slowly pulls down on my neck. My head tries to fight the pull so instead, a throbbing pain ignites on my left temple. I wish it would end here but it doesn’t. It starts to creep behind my eyes, and blurs my vision a little. Just enough to even out the head ache to both sides of my skull. So I reach for a glass of water and some little red pills. Too many of these begin to wear down my stomach so now; my stomach joins in on this brigade to wear down my body.
I know there is worse. I know that I don’t have it all that bad. I know that there are people out there with incredible pain that I can’t even imagine tolerating. I know that there are others out there with bones as brittle as glass. I know that there are people out there with muscles that burn with every move of their body. I know there are stomachs that hurt so bad they force you into a fetal position searching for the comfort of a mother’s womb. I know these things. The slightest pain in my body reminds me of these things. So I keep typing. I keep writing. I keep drawing and holding my pen awkwardly. I keep popping the little red pills, in moderation to alleviate the pain. I keep moving because I can. I know I am hurting, but in relation to the world of pain out there, I am okay. My aches are minimal. Knowing this, I keep moving. It’s physical.
The thought begins at the mind. It begins as a question, a curiosity, an insight. The thought stands at an edge of reason. It stands at a crossroad. The thinking begins. “Do I go left? Do I go right? Do I go at all?” What happens if one goes, what happens when one falls? Would it really be safer to stay? Should I wait for the sun to set or would it be too late by sunrise? Am I already late? Fine I’ll go. No wait. What would happen should one prevail? What if things fall into place and that’s not where you had expected? What do I do then? How will I react? Will I react? Will I do the right thing? Or will I fall into the same hole I've fallen into so many times? What will make this time different? Will it be different?” it’s so permanent. Steps taken can’t be taken back. Words said can be mistaken, and actions misinterpreted, or interpreted too well. . The thought takes form. Thought turned emotion begins to trail down my head, and into my throat. I swallow the saliva that has been sitting beneath my tongue. It passes through the knot in my throat, and into my heart, making it beat faster and harder. The beats are so heavy they hit my stomach and I begin to feel nauseous. My heart feels like it has sunken into my stomach. How can a thought do this? Fear begins to run down my arms, and down my spine. My bones feel naked. My skin feels cold. My breaths get heavier. My head feels light. There is no pill I want to take. There is no “thought medication”. Sure, simple solutions can provide for quick fixes. Pop a pill to ease the symptoms, but soon that pill will dissolve and leave me alone with these thoughts and these emotions. The fear will return; the irrational fear. By this time, the mind has surpassed that crossroad. Common sense settles in and alleviates the tension in my brain. There’s nothing to worry about, there is nothing to be scared about. Just relax. It’s not the end of the world. I know this. I know that whatever happens, I’ll be okay. I know there are larger than life worries out there. I know there are uncontrollable situations that instill fear that is paralyzing. I know this. Still. It’s too late.
My body is in motion. Internally, the fear turns into a heart beat and rushes up my throat and unravels the knot that was there before. The tears begin to flow. The words begin to spill out of my mouth. Some are understood, some misunderstood. Some are taken, some are mistaken, and some are dismissed. Actions are acted out and left to the mercy of an audience caught off guard.
Then it’s over. The thoughts subside. The fear is gone, and all that is left is a naked, pile of bones. A naked pile of bones that doesn’t see that there in front of her was a warm body taking in her words, taking in her actions, taking in her emotions, and wanting to take her in completely.
I know there is worse. I know that I don’t have it all that bad. I know that there are people out there with incredible pain that I can’t even imagine tolerating. I know that there are others out there with bones as brittle as glass. I know that there are people out there with muscles that burn with every move of their body. I know there are stomachs that hurt so bad they force you into a fetal position searching for the comfort of a mother’s womb. I know these things. The slightest pain in my body reminds me of these things. So I keep typing. I keep writing. I keep drawing and holding my pen awkwardly. I keep popping the little red pills, in moderation to alleviate the pain. I keep moving because I can. I know I am hurting, but in relation to the world of pain out there, I am okay. My aches are minimal. Knowing this, I keep moving. It’s physical.
The thought begins at the mind. It begins as a question, a curiosity, an insight. The thought stands at an edge of reason. It stands at a crossroad. The thinking begins. “Do I go left? Do I go right? Do I go at all?” What happens if one goes, what happens when one falls? Would it really be safer to stay? Should I wait for the sun to set or would it be too late by sunrise? Am I already late? Fine I’ll go. No wait. What would happen should one prevail? What if things fall into place and that’s not where you had expected? What do I do then? How will I react? Will I react? Will I do the right thing? Or will I fall into the same hole I've fallen into so many times? What will make this time different? Will it be different?” it’s so permanent. Steps taken can’t be taken back. Words said can be mistaken, and actions misinterpreted, or interpreted too well. . The thought takes form. Thought turned emotion begins to trail down my head, and into my throat. I swallow the saliva that has been sitting beneath my tongue. It passes through the knot in my throat, and into my heart, making it beat faster and harder. The beats are so heavy they hit my stomach and I begin to feel nauseous. My heart feels like it has sunken into my stomach. How can a thought do this? Fear begins to run down my arms, and down my spine. My bones feel naked. My skin feels cold. My breaths get heavier. My head feels light. There is no pill I want to take. There is no “thought medication”. Sure, simple solutions can provide for quick fixes. Pop a pill to ease the symptoms, but soon that pill will dissolve and leave me alone with these thoughts and these emotions. The fear will return; the irrational fear. By this time, the mind has surpassed that crossroad. Common sense settles in and alleviates the tension in my brain. There’s nothing to worry about, there is nothing to be scared about. Just relax. It’s not the end of the world. I know this. I know that whatever happens, I’ll be okay. I know there are larger than life worries out there. I know there are uncontrollable situations that instill fear that is paralyzing. I know this. Still. It’s too late.
My body is in motion. Internally, the fear turns into a heart beat and rushes up my throat and unravels the knot that was there before. The tears begin to flow. The words begin to spill out of my mouth. Some are understood, some misunderstood. Some are taken, some are mistaken, and some are dismissed. Actions are acted out and left to the mercy of an audience caught off guard.
Then it’s over. The thoughts subside. The fear is gone, and all that is left is a naked, pile of bones. A naked pile of bones that doesn’t see that there in front of her was a warm body taking in her words, taking in her actions, taking in her emotions, and wanting to take her in completely.
glass
You know that moment when you feel the glass slipping from your hand?
Slowly you feel its smooth side glide along the ridges of your fingers pushing them back…and as much force as your fingers alone can put into holding onto the glass, its not enough to hold on. It’s almost as if the rest of your body has deserted your hand, allowing it to fend for itself. Your arms are useless, your eyes can only watch what is happening, but your brain doesn’t quite compute it until the sound of glass breaking on the floor smashes through your ears. Then your lips open, your tongue separates itself from the roof of your mouth, and the air inside you comes out as a gasp.
How could you grow so numb? How could you forget what you were doing? You were standing there, holding it, and somehow, you managed to get so lost in thought, your whole body followed you. If your heart didn’t know how to beat on its own, it would have stopped beating. If your lungs needed you to expand and contract, you would have stopped breathing, but fortunately for you, they do it on their own. The rest of your body grew cold. Your eyes got caught staring at completely nothing, slowly blinking half way, slowly reaching a full blink.
Then the crashing sounds of glass as the pieces hit the floor, over and over, bouncing off each other gets your body moving again. Your head moves, your eyes look to see what made such an intrusive noise.
Oh yeah, you were holding a glass. How could you forget? All the colors of the room you had been standing in come to life. The world continues to move and the glass lies still on the floor. Your tense shoulders drop, slightly to a slump. You grab a napkin and carefully pick up the pieces. Tiny little pieces scattered like glitter on the floor. You’re careful, because your feet are bare, so you do the best you can to pick up every single little piece. All of this because you got lost in thought.
Slowly you feel its smooth side glide along the ridges of your fingers pushing them back…and as much force as your fingers alone can put into holding onto the glass, its not enough to hold on. It’s almost as if the rest of your body has deserted your hand, allowing it to fend for itself. Your arms are useless, your eyes can only watch what is happening, but your brain doesn’t quite compute it until the sound of glass breaking on the floor smashes through your ears. Then your lips open, your tongue separates itself from the roof of your mouth, and the air inside you comes out as a gasp.
How could you grow so numb? How could you forget what you were doing? You were standing there, holding it, and somehow, you managed to get so lost in thought, your whole body followed you. If your heart didn’t know how to beat on its own, it would have stopped beating. If your lungs needed you to expand and contract, you would have stopped breathing, but fortunately for you, they do it on their own. The rest of your body grew cold. Your eyes got caught staring at completely nothing, slowly blinking half way, slowly reaching a full blink.
Then the crashing sounds of glass as the pieces hit the floor, over and over, bouncing off each other gets your body moving again. Your head moves, your eyes look to see what made such an intrusive noise.
Oh yeah, you were holding a glass. How could you forget? All the colors of the room you had been standing in come to life. The world continues to move and the glass lies still on the floor. Your tense shoulders drop, slightly to a slump. You grab a napkin and carefully pick up the pieces. Tiny little pieces scattered like glitter on the floor. You’re careful, because your feet are bare, so you do the best you can to pick up every single little piece. All of this because you got lost in thought.
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