the richest of these loves...

Some long for romantic love... I've longed for it, most have.
However, never have I felt so loved in my entire life than now. I have the kind of friends people fight all their lives for. I have the kind of friends who don't use you as an excuse to be social, but instead deal with the social part just to be with you. They're the kinds that don't need anything other sort of cushion to soften the blow of human interaction. Instead they find peace with you and you with them. they are my standing ground, my falling places and my hiding caves. They fill my life and heart with exhilarating words and encouragement. they love me enough to push me away, ( as in on a sled or first bike ride push)
If I never found the romantic love in my life, I'd die knowing I was loved and have loved more than any storybook romance could ever even describe.

the past's present to your future

In conversation about the transition between the thoughts and perspectives we've had before and the ones we have today, my friend pointed something out. He said that it was if, the past thoughts were there to prepare, mold, or form the thoughts and perspectives we would have today. The thoughts we have today will help us get to the thoughts we will have in the future. Hearing that, it feels too obvious. Well, duh, we are always growing based on what we had before.
Then as I was packing things to move on to my future, I found a paper that an old love had written on. A memory of when things were so incredibly great and magical I felt it was a dream. Then I found a letter I had written to him but never gave him. It was after we broke up. I had written to him everything that I had felt, everything that I had learned, and everything I had hoped for in the future.
It was a sad time. It wasn't your average heartbreak.. I've had those. This one was a mind break. Never had I thought I finally had it together, never had I so vulnerably let go. Its always been a fight, its always been hesitation to trust, or a pursuit of someone who was so distant. This one came in like a long lost friend, with a promise of great things. Our eyes met and our hearts collided. Our thoughts and our weakeness were exposed and we looked to each other in awe. "really?" we thought to ourselves... "really? we can have this?" It felt unreal, and illogical. In a whirwind of emotions, we got swept away. We "knew" this was it.
It wasn't.
So everything I thought I knew became uncertain. Things changed, he changed. Where there was once a man who walked in with a smile and a hopeful heart, there was now the back of man walking into a bedroom, shutting his door. It was a trial of prayers, patience, willingness to stay, willingness to go. Is this where i show committment? Is this my cue to go? My heart was broken, yes, very much so. But after the time of that, my mind, my judgement, my own trust in myself was broken.
It didnt take very long for me to learn from this, gather what I could, build the walls I have to protect myself from falling so quicky.
Years have passed and yes, i think about it every now and again, but I'm "over" it as they say. I'm willing to fall in love, should love find me, someday.
It wasn't until a month ago, that a friend (same friend) and his friend, that my judgement should not have been broken. I trusted, and I did the right thing. The situation changed, and there was nothiing I could have done except what I did. There was a certain assurance in that.
Two years later, I'm still learning. Years later, I find his letter and my own, and realise how far Ive come. And if someone had told me at the time, not to worry, that all my thoughts and emotions would someday make sense or help me get to a place thats far better than my own understanding, I would have thought them foolish.
Yet here I am. Reading words with an attempt to understanding at the time, I find, that these words have found a place in my life today. I learned how to find strength even when weak, to find God when I can't see Him. I learned to walk, and not run so much. Maybe I sound jaded, and maybe I am, just a little. Maybe I'm not ready to let these walls come down ( ive worked so hard on them) but at least I know, I won't always think like this. Years from now, I'll read what Ive written, or think back on how I used to think, and see how far I've come.

Mind and Emotions

Emotions run wild. They do what they want because it "feels" good. They pull at you like a flute's haunting tune, charming a snake... making it dance. These Emotions play a song... and make us dance...swerve... in an almost hypnotized fashion. They lure us into the "what ifs" and the "what could be"s. They allow us the illusions of what we can make it out to be. They let us play with the ideas of all the possibilities... never minding the possible repercussions. These Emotions.. like drunken fools stumble and laugh. They sing merry songs.. they fall into each others' embrace. They go too far.. they don't care because feelings do what they want.. they do it because it feels good. It doesn't matter if it makes sense... because we have been told things don't always make sense and that is what makes it romantic. Oh Romance.. he's a tricky one too.. he paints elaborate pictures and scenes, ones to dance to, ones to fall in love to. We fall for this because its all too wonderful at the moment, its all too worth it for the moment.. its all too longed for all our lives. Shakespeare taught us love is hard and complicated and should hardly ever make sense.Van Morrison sang to us, and told us love is crazy. So we dance around like foolish, emotional drunks. All because we were told to follow our hearts, to fall into the scenes Romance has painted for us and to allow our Emotions to have their moment.
Then, the sun comes out and pierces through heavy eyelids...and these Emotions wake up to the Mind walking in.
The Mind comes in and sees the mess these Emotions have made. It sees the beautiful paintings Romance has created, in a moment passed, no longer the setting for the present. Romance leaves with paint brush in hand...Shakespeare runs off to write another play...and Morrison is drinking his last sip of whiskey..he's still longing to hear her heart beat... hating how much he needs her.
The Mind shuffles through the mess, picking up broken bottles and broken hearts.
" I was trying to warn you.." it whispers into Emotions ear...and helps pick up Emotions off the floor...
" I know.." mumbles Emotions, with a heavy heart. "but it felt so good at the time... "

the problem with intention

Intentions,
my opinions of a situation are often based on someones intentions.
" at least they had good intentions" that reminds me of a story my brother wrote about a boy with good intentions but did not have a welcomed outcome.
I think I have good intentions, but do I?
Or are they completely selfish? selfishness disguised by good intentions? Well they aren't BAD intentions, I don't mean harm on anyone, and I'm quite sure, those who have caused me harm have not always set out with the specific agenda of hurting me. Sometimes they are just reckless, sometimes, they try to do something but end up not being able to, sometimes they think they know what they're doing, when they really don't, and often, some know they don't know what the hell is going on, but act like they do. I find these to be far more harmful. Because, the other is unaware, and caught off guard, they were not expecting hurt and hurt happened. carelessness is the bad intention.
I've had to forgive solely based on the " they were just careless..clumsy with the situation, we all are..." and i have had to be forgiven for the same. I am just as careless, clumsy, selfish, confused, unaware, and "well" intentioned as the next. justification does not find a place here, i am not allowing that ( at least for myself) to justify my clumsiness, instead an awareness and a caution.
Intentions can be a cushion for pain... if the intention was good, and the outcome was not what was expected... you have that.. to forgive the situation and to let it be a peaceful transition to the next part of your life. But it does not eliminate a reason for hurt, or pain.
So while i am very aware that intentions are lost in a pool of excuses for some... i would hope that good intentions hold its ground, in that people remember the intentions and allow room for forgiveness, but remember that as individuals, we have to reap the outcomes of our clumsy, confused, "good" intentions when the outcome isn't what we expected.

growing pains

I was reading Helen Keller's Story of my Life... in which she writes about her first experiences writing as a little girl. She wrote something (as far as she knew for the first time) and she gave it to someone as a gift. She was very proud and excited. It was published, it was great! it was called The Frost King . But apparently it was not her creation. Somewhere down the line... there was a story shared with her, very much like the one she had written. She was embarrassed. She was certain that she had not remembered that story, and that it was not done on purpose. Some thought that she had fooled them on purpose. She was devastated. She thought she made this up. But somewhere in the back of her mind, this story that was shared, surfaced to the part of her mind that was trying to create something original. She hesitated in creating anything from then on, always second guessing herself, "Are these my thoughts? or someone else's?"

Originality is tricky. In the text, a quote was shared, "nothing you do will ever be original unless you are born that way" especially in thinking.
I'm not original. I'm a product of several experiences in my life. Several stages of my life have brought me to who I am. Several people in my life have affected my style, my appearance, my thinking, and my beliefs. That's okay. I fought this for a long time. I didn't want to be just another face, another person with the same story, and I tried hard to resist fitting any "mold" anyone had for me. I refused to be in any stage in my life appropriate for my age. And to be honest, I think those lines have been blurred. At 21.. you should be….. at 27.. you should have…. at 35.. you should be there…. at 46 you should already have… and at 65, you should be where you want or should be.

Thing is.. I don't have a clue where I want to be or if I'm anywhere I want to be. I'm 26 and without a clue. I have the "essentials" down. I know what I want to do for a living. But thats it. Some would say I'm still young.. I have plenty of time.. Then 36 rolls around, distracted by the mentality of "I have all the time in the world..." and will I be where I want to be then? Where should I be? I also don't want to think about it so much that I forget to be where I am.
What does this have to do with Helen's fight with original thought? Well that's where I'm having trouble figuring out what are my thoughts and wants and what are not mine.
Do I want a house? With a cute dog? and nice furniture? a not so "collegy" car? nice shoes, professional clothing for work? to not dress like I'm a kid anymore? married? thinking about the future and kids?
Or do I want to be young still? Be free? Independent? able to move on a whim? hang out all night and sleep in? without the traditional pressures of "growing up?'
Or do I want that balance I keep talking about? and if so.. how do I get that?
So many people give their input when this topic comes up… friends who have assumed the roles, and other who have not, and they both criticize each other for giving in.
What do I want? and how do I know that it is truly my want and not someone else's story shared with me long ago surfacing when I think I'm creating my own want.

in pursuit

The pursuit has always been a romantic one.
The one with guesses and created assumptions
The one that is longed for as you turn back
just to see if they are indeed pursuing,
The one with twists and turns,
turning your stomach along with it.

But this one,
This one is a new one,
This one is not so romantic, yet still so very.
This one is a pursuit of people
Many different kinds of people.

The ones that make you laugh,
the ones you can finally make laugh
The ones that can sit and talk for hours,
or just walk in silence,
enjoying every moment that passes.
This pursuit is not the romantic kind, and yet, very much so.

In pursuit of people.
The ones with mysterious lives
The ones that are open books, ready to be read.
The ones that have been dying to live,
and the ones who are living, so inspiringly.
The ones with stories, and they all have stories.

Different people, with different voices,
different instruments, different talents.

The old ones.
The ones with a history not found in books,
The ones with young hearts
and wrinkled hands.

The young ones.
With stories ready to be written,
The ones with young hopes
and old souls

The ones with a friendship to offer,
and ready to receive.
The ones who not only lend you an ear,
but give you their heart to share your burdens.

The ones you share blood with,
in pursuit of an even closer bond.
The ones you call kin,
and also call friend.
Those who don't share the same blood,
but share the same bond.

In pursuit of those already known,
to get to know all over again.
The ones you've had all your life,
to make sure they're a part of the rest of your life.

Someday,
I'll pay attention to the other pursuit,
The romantic kind.
The one that makes your heart beat louder than it does.
The one that keeps you glancing over your shoulder,
checking to see if they are pursuing you.

For now, I pursuit people.
Different kinds.
The kinds with stories,
and they all have stories.

happiest moments

are those when you can literally feel the excitement of a friends' greatest news..
are those when you see your friends in their shining moment....
are those when someone leaves you the silliest messages on your voicemail...
are those when you and someone can call on any past moment and make it just as good as it was the first time....
are when a friend tells you she misses you.. and means it....
are when you hear the laughter and reactions to a fun movie in a theatre full of pajama-d kids..
are when you get to feel the string of a kite pull at your hand...touching the sky via kite.....
when someone forgives you for getting it stuck in a tree.....
are conversations with kin.. that you are miles away from, yet.. not by blood, but by love are you still in contact with.
are those when the rosie reaches for your hand as she falls asleep next to you....
and when the lily finally accepts you and lets you read to her...
your heart jumps for both of them....
are when you remember that you have a most wonderful family..
and that they're always waiting for you....
are when you see the sky in the most indecisive moods....
are those when you walk with a friend, and you get to share that moment in life with them...forever.
are when you know there is nothing but adventure awaiting.... and knowing you haven't lost the child like heart to take you there......