Giants

The buildings are so tall they block out the sky. I made a comment about being claustrophobic to my cousin, and when I mentioned it the next day he said " oh man it really is affecting you isn't it?"
Yes I'd like to see the sky. I miss it. I miss seeing the sunset. I miss seeing the sun peeking through the trees. It has also been cloudy and rainy so that doesn't help.
The buildings are becoming everything that can possibly cause me any stress. Each one represents something that brings me worry or doubt. They stand over me, tall, like giants, but not the kind of giants i like, the kind of giants that seem intimidating, and mean. The kind of giants that don't know they can be gentle and instead glare at you, and you can only see their shadowed faces because they are blocking out the sun.


Its not always like this. I have very much enjoyed the walks my cousin and I have taken. I enjoy having coffee on a bench discussing several things along the way. I like getting to know him as a friend. We talk about what we want in life and how to get there, the struggle, the simplicity. We get distracted by the pigeons gathered in front of us as we eat our lunch in front of St.Marks church. He reminds me that his dad, my uncle had pigeons. We find more in the trees and point out the ones that look unique. Constantly in conversation, interrupted by the environment, feeding the already constant conversation.

I enjoy the variety of food offered, the different people I've passed by walking down these almost familiar sidewalks. I enjoy the moments of silence in the quiet apartment and the guitar that I am allowed to use, it brings me back to something familiar.

I want to say this one ends with me telling the giant to stop acting so tough, to be gentle like it has the ability to be.

Instead this one ends in an apartment, happy to be where I am, excited to see where I am going, but scared shitless nonetheless. Silly giants, don't they know they can really scare people?

waking up and wanting to hide.

Eyes open. At first, I'm welcomed by the day, enticed by the wonder it will bring, happy to see the face that greets me with a smile. He loves me. I know this, to the extent that I CAN know. I'll be okay, I know this, again, to the extent that I KNOW anything. I don't KNOW anything. All I can do is trust. I trust he loves me because he said so, I trust I'll be okay because I will try to make good decisions. I trust I will have an adventure waiting for me, because, well, why shouldn't I?

I leave tomorrow. I will get on the train that takes me to Chicago, then to New York, then eventually to Boston. Tomorrow starts a new life, a brand new adventure. Fears will be conquered, obstacles will be overcome. Tomorrow I will be on my way to the life I have been dreaming of, for so long.

My mother will have to trust that I will be okay, she will have to set aside her worry to know her baby girl is an adult and on her way to bigger things. I will have to make sure my family knows I love them and think of them daily. Friendships will be tested, for distance proves the biggest test of loyalty. My relationship will be tested, and I will learn the lesson on being a partner to someone from so far away. My faith in myself, and in God will be tested, I will have to be stronger that I have ever been. I will have to be more dedicated than I have ever been.


The anxieties settle in. Will I be strong enough? Will we be strong enough? Will I fail again? Will I find myself in square one again? What will happen if.......
I stop. I have to stop. I feel it creeping in like a thief in the night, trying to strangle me at my throat... I grab hold of that tight grasp around my neck.. pry the fingers off one by and one and breathe. I have to breathe. I have to kick the worries out of my head and breathe. I say a tiny little prayer, "God, give me peace, please..." and that's it. I don't want perfection, I don't want superhuman strength, I don't want a solution, I want peace.

I get up and welcome the day. The fight is far from over. Anxiety is an sneaky and unpredictable villain. Every day is a decision made to not give in. Good morning, let's get started.

the richest of these loves...

Some long for romantic love... I've longed for it, most have.
However, never have I felt so loved in my entire life than now. I have the kind of friends people fight all their lives for. I have the kind of friends who don't use you as an excuse to be social, but instead deal with the social part just to be with you. They're the kinds that don't need anything other sort of cushion to soften the blow of human interaction. Instead they find peace with you and you with them. they are my standing ground, my falling places and my hiding caves. They fill my life and heart with exhilarating words and encouragement. they love me enough to push me away, ( as in on a sled or first bike ride push)
If I never found the romantic love in my life, I'd die knowing I was loved and have loved more than any storybook romance could ever even describe.

the past's present to your future

In conversation about the transition between the thoughts and perspectives we've had before and the ones we have today, my friend pointed something out. He said that it was if, the past thoughts were there to prepare, mold, or form the thoughts and perspectives we would have today. The thoughts we have today will help us get to the thoughts we will have in the future. Hearing that, it feels too obvious. Well, duh, we are always growing based on what we had before.
Then as I was packing things to move on to my future, I found a paper that an old love had written on. A memory of when things were so incredibly great and magical I felt it was a dream. Then I found a letter I had written to him but never gave him. It was after we broke up. I had written to him everything that I had felt, everything that I had learned, and everything I had hoped for in the future.
It was a sad time. It wasn't your average heartbreak.. I've had those. This one was a mind break. Never had I thought I finally had it together, never had I so vulnerably let go. Its always been a fight, its always been hesitation to trust, or a pursuit of someone who was so distant. This one came in like a long lost friend, with a promise of great things. Our eyes met and our hearts collided. Our thoughts and our weakeness were exposed and we looked to each other in awe. "really?" we thought to ourselves... "really? we can have this?" It felt unreal, and illogical. In a whirwind of emotions, we got swept away. We "knew" this was it.
It wasn't.
So everything I thought I knew became uncertain. Things changed, he changed. Where there was once a man who walked in with a smile and a hopeful heart, there was now the back of man walking into a bedroom, shutting his door. It was a trial of prayers, patience, willingness to stay, willingness to go. Is this where i show committment? Is this my cue to go? My heart was broken, yes, very much so. But after the time of that, my mind, my judgement, my own trust in myself was broken.
It didnt take very long for me to learn from this, gather what I could, build the walls I have to protect myself from falling so quicky.
Years have passed and yes, i think about it every now and again, but I'm "over" it as they say. I'm willing to fall in love, should love find me, someday.
It wasn't until a month ago, that a friend (same friend) and his friend, that my judgement should not have been broken. I trusted, and I did the right thing. The situation changed, and there was nothiing I could have done except what I did. There was a certain assurance in that.
Two years later, I'm still learning. Years later, I find his letter and my own, and realise how far Ive come. And if someone had told me at the time, not to worry, that all my thoughts and emotions would someday make sense or help me get to a place thats far better than my own understanding, I would have thought them foolish.
Yet here I am. Reading words with an attempt to understanding at the time, I find, that these words have found a place in my life today. I learned how to find strength even when weak, to find God when I can't see Him. I learned to walk, and not run so much. Maybe I sound jaded, and maybe I am, just a little. Maybe I'm not ready to let these walls come down ( ive worked so hard on them) but at least I know, I won't always think like this. Years from now, I'll read what Ive written, or think back on how I used to think, and see how far I've come.

Mind and Emotions

Emotions run wild. They do what they want because it "feels" good. They pull at you like a flute's haunting tune, charming a snake... making it dance. These Emotions play a song... and make us dance...swerve... in an almost hypnotized fashion. They lure us into the "what ifs" and the "what could be"s. They allow us the illusions of what we can make it out to be. They let us play with the ideas of all the possibilities... never minding the possible repercussions. These Emotions.. like drunken fools stumble and laugh. They sing merry songs.. they fall into each others' embrace. They go too far.. they don't care because feelings do what they want.. they do it because it feels good. It doesn't matter if it makes sense... because we have been told things don't always make sense and that is what makes it romantic. Oh Romance.. he's a tricky one too.. he paints elaborate pictures and scenes, ones to dance to, ones to fall in love to. We fall for this because its all too wonderful at the moment, its all too worth it for the moment.. its all too longed for all our lives. Shakespeare taught us love is hard and complicated and should hardly ever make sense.Van Morrison sang to us, and told us love is crazy. So we dance around like foolish, emotional drunks. All because we were told to follow our hearts, to fall into the scenes Romance has painted for us and to allow our Emotions to have their moment.
Then, the sun comes out and pierces through heavy eyelids...and these Emotions wake up to the Mind walking in.
The Mind comes in and sees the mess these Emotions have made. It sees the beautiful paintings Romance has created, in a moment passed, no longer the setting for the present. Romance leaves with paint brush in hand...Shakespeare runs off to write another play...and Morrison is drinking his last sip of whiskey..he's still longing to hear her heart beat... hating how much he needs her.
The Mind shuffles through the mess, picking up broken bottles and broken hearts.
" I was trying to warn you.." it whispers into Emotions ear...and helps pick up Emotions off the floor...
" I know.." mumbles Emotions, with a heavy heart. "but it felt so good at the time... "

the problem with intention

Intentions,
my opinions of a situation are often based on someones intentions.
" at least they had good intentions" that reminds me of a story my brother wrote about a boy with good intentions but did not have a welcomed outcome.
I think I have good intentions, but do I?
Or are they completely selfish? selfishness disguised by good intentions? Well they aren't BAD intentions, I don't mean harm on anyone, and I'm quite sure, those who have caused me harm have not always set out with the specific agenda of hurting me. Sometimes they are just reckless, sometimes, they try to do something but end up not being able to, sometimes they think they know what they're doing, when they really don't, and often, some know they don't know what the hell is going on, but act like they do. I find these to be far more harmful. Because, the other is unaware, and caught off guard, they were not expecting hurt and hurt happened. carelessness is the bad intention.
I've had to forgive solely based on the " they were just careless..clumsy with the situation, we all are..." and i have had to be forgiven for the same. I am just as careless, clumsy, selfish, confused, unaware, and "well" intentioned as the next. justification does not find a place here, i am not allowing that ( at least for myself) to justify my clumsiness, instead an awareness and a caution.
Intentions can be a cushion for pain... if the intention was good, and the outcome was not what was expected... you have that.. to forgive the situation and to let it be a peaceful transition to the next part of your life. But it does not eliminate a reason for hurt, or pain.
So while i am very aware that intentions are lost in a pool of excuses for some... i would hope that good intentions hold its ground, in that people remember the intentions and allow room for forgiveness, but remember that as individuals, we have to reap the outcomes of our clumsy, confused, "good" intentions when the outcome isn't what we expected.

growing pains

I was reading Helen Keller's Story of my Life... in which she writes about her first experiences writing as a little girl. She wrote something (as far as she knew for the first time) and she gave it to someone as a gift. She was very proud and excited. It was published, it was great! it was called The Frost King . But apparently it was not her creation. Somewhere down the line... there was a story shared with her, very much like the one she had written. She was embarrassed. She was certain that she had not remembered that story, and that it was not done on purpose. Some thought that she had fooled them on purpose. She was devastated. She thought she made this up. But somewhere in the back of her mind, this story that was shared, surfaced to the part of her mind that was trying to create something original. She hesitated in creating anything from then on, always second guessing herself, "Are these my thoughts? or someone else's?"

Originality is tricky. In the text, a quote was shared, "nothing you do will ever be original unless you are born that way" especially in thinking.
I'm not original. I'm a product of several experiences in my life. Several stages of my life have brought me to who I am. Several people in my life have affected my style, my appearance, my thinking, and my beliefs. That's okay. I fought this for a long time. I didn't want to be just another face, another person with the same story, and I tried hard to resist fitting any "mold" anyone had for me. I refused to be in any stage in my life appropriate for my age. And to be honest, I think those lines have been blurred. At 21.. you should be….. at 27.. you should have…. at 35.. you should be there…. at 46 you should already have… and at 65, you should be where you want or should be.

Thing is.. I don't have a clue where I want to be or if I'm anywhere I want to be. I'm 26 and without a clue. I have the "essentials" down. I know what I want to do for a living. But thats it. Some would say I'm still young.. I have plenty of time.. Then 36 rolls around, distracted by the mentality of "I have all the time in the world..." and will I be where I want to be then? Where should I be? I also don't want to think about it so much that I forget to be where I am.
What does this have to do with Helen's fight with original thought? Well that's where I'm having trouble figuring out what are my thoughts and wants and what are not mine.
Do I want a house? With a cute dog? and nice furniture? a not so "collegy" car? nice shoes, professional clothing for work? to not dress like I'm a kid anymore? married? thinking about the future and kids?
Or do I want to be young still? Be free? Independent? able to move on a whim? hang out all night and sleep in? without the traditional pressures of "growing up?'
Or do I want that balance I keep talking about? and if so.. how do I get that?
So many people give their input when this topic comes up… friends who have assumed the roles, and other who have not, and they both criticize each other for giving in.
What do I want? and how do I know that it is truly my want and not someone else's story shared with me long ago surfacing when I think I'm creating my own want.