Somewhere between here and there, the value in certain things has been lost, or maybe just misplaced.Here's one:conversation: Asking someone how their day is going is a pretty loaded question, yet most people quit listening as soon as the words" how is your.." come out of their mouths. I'm talking about strangers too... customers, people we kinda know at the coffee shop, cashiers, etc.
I'm at work and I ask this question over a hundred times in one day, and occasionally someone stops me in my tracks and answers me honestly...." Well she's not doing well" he says..." She has good days and bad days and well today is not a good day.... she's in a great deal of pain..she's fought cancer before..breast cancer and now shes fighting kidney cancer and ..." he goes on. This old old man is having a crappy ass day... his wife is dying.
Another lady tells me she is surviving, her husband died a year ago and having been a housewife all her life, she is just now at ( sixty something?) learning to how sustain herself...A woman tells me she is excited because her son is coming home from the military.. another lady tells me her husband of seven years has a two year old son, that's not hers...
How are you? Heavy words... and most don't listen...even when talking to friends... you are so anxious to tell them about YOUR day... what YOU did... etc. We kinda listen. I'm not saying always.... just sometimes... most of the time...
The things is... most people just need someone to listen.. sometimes... say little things like... " uh huh... " and just react... I asked him what she was fighting.. if she had a good day recently.. letting him know that i don't have any idea what that feels like and i can only imagine... but that i would pray for him and his family to get through this...
The lady with the husband needed to vent... i almost took the part of a long time girlfriend and had my " no ways..." and my " well your better than that..." and ultimately reassured her that she was strong... and that she would be okay in the end....
I shared the excitement for the returning soldier...and told her how wonderful it was to have that happen... i asked her what she planned on doing when he got back.. etc...
As little as it was.. those ( among many) conversations are worth something. Among strangers.... it still had worth.
i love conversation.. Its beautiful... its musical... it can flow smoothly... or have a unique harmony... or it can go totally wrong and be totally off key.. and even those can create some funny stories to tell in future conversation.
The awkwardness in conversation is also intriguing. Its human, its vulnerable. And when the conversation gets comfortable.. the unraveling is pretty cool.Finding people you can carry great conversations is an amazing thing. The kind where no matter what you talk about, you can recall it later that day.. that week... or just later. They stay in your mind like a good song.
I am so fortunate to have found friends and to have a family where conversation is valued. They are carried well, and even when they are not.. they work themselves out into something pretty interesting. Each friend plays a different conversational instrument. And we all play well together... even more, i like introducing friends that don't know each other, almost just to see how well they play together. I'm so blessed to have found friends that play well with me.. and that I play well with.
I know this.. but i know i have abused this art before..i have stopped listening to the answers i had asked, i have tuned out to responses, and stories in anticipation of telling mine. I have devalued the value of conversation, I can only hope to remember this and continue to value the words and stories told to me from now on...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
spoiled
How does one gain the necessary patience to get through the waiting season? There is a certain jealousy i hold for those who wait patiently. Those who save up for things they want. Those who are capable of waiting and displaying the discipline in not falling into the spoiled nature. The spoiled nature is that of wanting something and getting it, even if the timing is wrong, its not ready, your not ready, and possibly ruining it due to your impatience. I carry this, heavily. I want something. I get it.
I don't know the feeling of not having money.
I'm not rich, by any means, but i have this beautiful little piece of plastic that has taught me one thing, "get it now....pay for it later". Meanwhile, the interest piles up, charges start rolling in, ten dollars here, twenty there, fifty here, so on and so on. A year later I'm paying for a dinner i ate six months ago. A year later, I'm paying for something that's hanging in my closet, unused, ready to go to Goodwill. A year later, I'm paying for my spoiled nature, and more than likely adding on to this debt by buying more things.
i spend money like i have it.
I don't know how to wait. I know the concept, but don't know how to put it in action. One thing i have learned from Christianity that has been pretty consistent in my learning, is the act of waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Hmm... this one is tricky. I should wait on the Lord, meanwhile, i should continue to live, according to his will. How does one know where his will is? How do i know if i am going the right direction? Even when i feel i am going the wrong direction, how do i know its not really the right direction? Waiting.
I should be waiting. I'm not. Instead i fall into debt, not financially but emotionally, impatiently, and spiritually.
waiting.
Such a difficult task.
we wait for test results, we wait for someone to get home, we wait to do something we want to do until the appropriate time, we wait to get our paychecks, we wait to hear what we have always wanted to hear, we wait. We wait to allow time for preparation. We wait, and wait and wait. Then the moment comes, and its over so quickly. you move on to the next thing to wait for.
This patience, and discipline is much needed, much needed for this wait.
I don't know the feeling of not having money.
I'm not rich, by any means, but i have this beautiful little piece of plastic that has taught me one thing, "get it now....pay for it later". Meanwhile, the interest piles up, charges start rolling in, ten dollars here, twenty there, fifty here, so on and so on. A year later I'm paying for a dinner i ate six months ago. A year later, I'm paying for something that's hanging in my closet, unused, ready to go to Goodwill. A year later, I'm paying for my spoiled nature, and more than likely adding on to this debt by buying more things.
i spend money like i have it.
I don't know how to wait. I know the concept, but don't know how to put it in action. One thing i have learned from Christianity that has been pretty consistent in my learning, is the act of waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Hmm... this one is tricky. I should wait on the Lord, meanwhile, i should continue to live, according to his will. How does one know where his will is? How do i know if i am going the right direction? Even when i feel i am going the wrong direction, how do i know its not really the right direction? Waiting.
I should be waiting. I'm not. Instead i fall into debt, not financially but emotionally, impatiently, and spiritually.
waiting.
Such a difficult task.
we wait for test results, we wait for someone to get home, we wait to do something we want to do until the appropriate time, we wait to get our paychecks, we wait to hear what we have always wanted to hear, we wait. We wait to allow time for preparation. We wait, and wait and wait. Then the moment comes, and its over so quickly. you move on to the next thing to wait for.
This patience, and discipline is much needed, much needed for this wait.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
an act of love
Love
Love is amazing.
It is some sort of reward, and a sort of grace, it alleviates pain.
When in love, or in its presence, there is a period of suffering. The suffering comes from the yearning, the wanting, the missing, and the fear of losing love.
When you know that a love exists, you know you can miss out on it.
When you know that such a wonderful thing is out there, you yearn for it.
We look for it in each other. I seek love. On a daily basis, I also try to give love. Sometimes I don't have to give a thought, it just happens, I love.
Other times, I have to pull it out, and hand it over.
Love is amazing. It's a gift to one another. You can see it, you can feel it, and you can experience it.
From friends, you give and receive love constantly. To hear my friends say to me that they love me is amazing. It causes the same sort of heartbeat skipping that one gets from the romantic love. I know their love is true, they show it in conversation, in action and in loyalty. They show their love in sacrifice. I can only hope that they feel the same love from me.
Family love is also a blessing. To know that these people who share your blood would do anything for you. It is especially a blessing when you can say in confidence that this love will fight anything, only to keep you together. I love my family, with a love that is irreplaceable.
These are interchangeable. Sometimes, a family becomes wonderful friends, and sometimes, wonderful friends become your family.
We seek love. Those who are without love in their lives seek love; those with love seek more of it. It's the one thing that keeps everyone in pursuit.
Love
I've often looked over my faith, my beliefs and wonder why it is I decided to follow this. What is it that has kept me coming back to this? What holds on to me even when I try to run away, and oh I have tried to run away from this? I've been given proof. There is too much in history to deny the existence of Jesus Christ. There is also too much evidence of his resurrection. There is too much in the world to deny a creator. All of this wasn't enough.
Something happened. A man died on a cross like many others before him. The only crime he committed according to those who crucified him, was telling us about love. The one thing that is beautiful above all beauties!! He told us that there is a love, a love that desires us.. US. He didn't tell anyone to kill him to prove to the world that He brought us salvation through love; he was killed because he said it anyway. I gave this analogy to a friend. If a someone were to go somewhere to defend someone, or to give them information that would save a life, even though they knew it would not be accepted by others and they might be ousted forever for saying these things, and they said it anyway, in LOVE, they would be showing an act of love, and if there were consequences after that, then so be it. There was a consequence after this; his dying on the cross was not the act of love, yet the consequence of His telling us of this great love. Imagine a woman jumping into the river to save her children from drowning, her intention is not to die, but she risks it in order to save the lives of her babies. She dies in the process, saving the lives of her children, giving her own, because she loved them. He came to us to show us love. All his teachings, all of what is written is based on love. LOVE. Yet, we deny it. We focus on the "religion" on the things we don't like about this religion, the churches and their fancy buildings, the "Christians" that so recklessly carry his name, because obviously, they are to be perfect should they decide to carry that name. ( sarc) We focus on the imposing it does on our lives.. " prayer.. psshhh.. church… no way… I don't want a Jesus fish on my car.. I don't want to go to bible studies and become another one of those…." well then don't. But know this…. there is love. And all of this "stuff" you see out there in the world is a distraction from the truth His love. Should you ever decided to ask this "God" out there what its all about… you will see that it is ultimately about love.
The suffering that we do, in the name of love, the sacrifices we make in the name of love. For friends, for family, for romance, we do in pursuit of love and in giving love. He did that too. He desires our love. Not our money, not our rituals, nothing other than acknowledgement that what He did for us what love, and that this love is the gateway to Him, and a relationship with. All the other things, will slowly unravel in understanding, and we won't ever understand everything, just like the mother who dies to save her children, she will never be completely understood, her children will never know all the thoughts that made up her mind, or why she did things the way she did, or why she gave them limitations and boundaries, or why she brought them into this world. The one thing that is absolutely clear is she acted out on love in creating a bond and relationship with her children and in the end saving them.
Love is amazing.
It is some sort of reward, and a sort of grace, it alleviates pain.
When in love, or in its presence, there is a period of suffering. The suffering comes from the yearning, the wanting, the missing, and the fear of losing love.
When you know that a love exists, you know you can miss out on it.
When you know that such a wonderful thing is out there, you yearn for it.
We look for it in each other. I seek love. On a daily basis, I also try to give love. Sometimes I don't have to give a thought, it just happens, I love.
Other times, I have to pull it out, and hand it over.
Love is amazing. It's a gift to one another. You can see it, you can feel it, and you can experience it.
From friends, you give and receive love constantly. To hear my friends say to me that they love me is amazing. It causes the same sort of heartbeat skipping that one gets from the romantic love. I know their love is true, they show it in conversation, in action and in loyalty. They show their love in sacrifice. I can only hope that they feel the same love from me.
Family love is also a blessing. To know that these people who share your blood would do anything for you. It is especially a blessing when you can say in confidence that this love will fight anything, only to keep you together. I love my family, with a love that is irreplaceable.
These are interchangeable. Sometimes, a family becomes wonderful friends, and sometimes, wonderful friends become your family.
We seek love. Those who are without love in their lives seek love; those with love seek more of it. It's the one thing that keeps everyone in pursuit.
Love
I've often looked over my faith, my beliefs and wonder why it is I decided to follow this. What is it that has kept me coming back to this? What holds on to me even when I try to run away, and oh I have tried to run away from this? I've been given proof. There is too much in history to deny the existence of Jesus Christ. There is also too much evidence of his resurrection. There is too much in the world to deny a creator. All of this wasn't enough.
Something happened. A man died on a cross like many others before him. The only crime he committed according to those who crucified him, was telling us about love. The one thing that is beautiful above all beauties!! He told us that there is a love, a love that desires us.. US. He didn't tell anyone to kill him to prove to the world that He brought us salvation through love; he was killed because he said it anyway. I gave this analogy to a friend. If a someone were to go somewhere to defend someone, or to give them information that would save a life, even though they knew it would not be accepted by others and they might be ousted forever for saying these things, and they said it anyway, in LOVE, they would be showing an act of love, and if there were consequences after that, then so be it. There was a consequence after this; his dying on the cross was not the act of love, yet the consequence of His telling us of this great love. Imagine a woman jumping into the river to save her children from drowning, her intention is not to die, but she risks it in order to save the lives of her babies. She dies in the process, saving the lives of her children, giving her own, because she loved them. He came to us to show us love. All his teachings, all of what is written is based on love. LOVE. Yet, we deny it. We focus on the "religion" on the things we don't like about this religion, the churches and their fancy buildings, the "Christians" that so recklessly carry his name, because obviously, they are to be perfect should they decide to carry that name. ( sarc) We focus on the imposing it does on our lives.. " prayer.. psshhh.. church… no way… I don't want a Jesus fish on my car.. I don't want to go to bible studies and become another one of those…." well then don't. But know this…. there is love. And all of this "stuff" you see out there in the world is a distraction from the truth His love. Should you ever decided to ask this "God" out there what its all about… you will see that it is ultimately about love.
The suffering that we do, in the name of love, the sacrifices we make in the name of love. For friends, for family, for romance, we do in pursuit of love and in giving love. He did that too. He desires our love. Not our money, not our rituals, nothing other than acknowledgement that what He did for us what love, and that this love is the gateway to Him, and a relationship with. All the other things, will slowly unravel in understanding, and we won't ever understand everything, just like the mother who dies to save her children, she will never be completely understood, her children will never know all the thoughts that made up her mind, or why she did things the way she did, or why she gave them limitations and boundaries, or why she brought them into this world. The one thing that is absolutely clear is she acted out on love in creating a bond and relationship with her children and in the end saving them.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
the rebellion
I think people believe they exist in a time that encourages self thought. The time of " do as you are told, believe as you are told, think as you are told" are somewhat over. We are no longer at the grip of authority in thought. You can argue this, but really, we live in a time and day that we are pretty much allowed to hold our own beliefs. ( at least here in America) You can not force me to live a life I refuse to live. While we do have societal standards as to how we are going to survive, and if we don't follow these standards, we may lose the freedom to live comfortably, we still have the choice to live as we please. We are no longer in the days of the witch hunt where people are killed for our differences ( yes i understand it still happens.. but as a society... its pretty much not acceptable). The idea that a woman is to stay at home and raise children is outdated. We are no longer to believe in one true God. We are allowed to meet him wherever and however, at our pace, and on our terms. This "God" will meet us where we want to meet.
We've rebelled from the the norms and the standards that a higher governance has set for us. I pretty much can choose to believe what i want, to live a certain life and to be a certain way, of course, without denying someone rights to the same freedoms.
But... what if... i want to be a stay at home mom... well then, i stand the chance of being accused of falling to the sexist mentality that has been ruling time. I stand being ousted by professional women who say that's not what i really want.. i just want that because that's what I've been told i want. What if i want to cook and clean for my husband, while he goes to work and supports the family. All of this within reason, ( he's not to abuse this either) What if i choose to believe in One TRUE God? Well that's silly. Why would you do that when we've been trying so hard to get away from the rules, rituals, and suffocatings of Christianity? Especially when there are so many other religions that do not tell you there is only ONE way to God. That's so restrictive
Why not?
I believe people have lost the full ability to think for themselves. Just because someone, somewhere, in some time, abused the idea, took it and distorted it, manipulated it, rearranged it and kept the same name... doesn't mean that at some point, in the beginning, it wasn't something good.
Women... we are nurturing. We want to take care of the ones we love... I know i do. In whatever way i can, i want to make sure they are taken care of... children, or no children, we are nurturing. We were created to hold life... whether or not we do.. we as a whole, were created to do so... that's a HUGE call! That requires a strength that comes from being nurturing. That's okay. We are not weaker than, we just acquire different strengths. We can tolerate immense pain, but we still maintain an amount of delicacy. I'm okay with that. I want to be delicate, I want to be taken care of too. I want the man i marry to be a stronger person, ( not just by physical strength) but by having the ability to take care of me, while I'm taking care of our children and him as well. Chivalry is now considered offensive. Opening a door for you doesn't mean they think you can't, they are just making a gesture of courtesy! A genuine man of strength acknowledges your strength, but will also let you use it whenever he can't, and will almost let you save your strength for whenever you need it. But i have been told, that if a man offers to open the door, or to carry something heavy, or let him take care of something, it means, he thinks i can't. Like mentioned earlier, some men have manipulated this, and actually do think we are weak, fragile beings that can't do anything, and really any man who thinks this way, and is aware of the fact that women give birth, and go through almost a weeks worth of pain EVERY month, really aren't worth the argument. They speak for themselves. All I am saying, is.... i feel in our rebellion of what a woman's place is, we lost our own desire to where we want to be. Sure, be a professional... be a career woman, let your husband stay at home. That's fine! but if you want to stay home.. then do it... and don;t feel that you are surrendering to the idea that you are doing exactly what "we've" fought so hard to get away from.
As for God. I think that religion has been shoved down our throats for so long, that now, we spit out everything!!
Everyone is so okay now with believing in anything but the Christian God. If you decide to follow anything BUT Christianity , than you are truly open minded and wise. But if you choose to believe in Jesus, and His Divinity, well then ,you haven't really explored your options.
Thing is.. people reject Christ, because they can't possibly believe in that ... yet they fall into the novelties of a million other religions and beliefs without exploring its validity. Christians are constantly being mocked and criticized., but how dare you say something to disgrace the honor of Buddha, or any of the Hindu Gods. I'm not encouraging anyone to start doing this, its not right to disrespect anyone or their beliefs. But as a whole, I think that its become more okay to reject and mock Christianity than any other belief. Yes, i am aware that there have been some ( many ) "Christians" that have done many unruly things, but if you knew anything about this faith, and what it is based on, these " Christian" masks would be removed and you would see that these people were not acting on faith, and on a relationship with Christ. Christianity has nothing to hide. Its open to investigation. Its open to examination. Its a shame that people have taken the name, manipulated it, twisted it and carried it to open forums for everyone to see. If someone was to take my name, and in the name of "Flora" do horrendous things, wrong things, manipulated things, of course, people would see that, and of course pay little attention to the other who in my name went out and did good. If others took my name and in my name were helpful, gentle, and loving people, they would not get the same attention. Without ever knowing anything about ME, you would reject me, because you never even tried to know me. Without ever knowing Jesus, people reject Him. They base their view on those who have taken his name and acted solely on their manipulating intentions.
Because so many have shoved this religion down people's throats, this FAITH is being spit out. Should people decide to try and see for themselves.. who knows... you might agree with it.
SO think for yourselves, we are allowed that freedom, and i feel as if though we have been tricked into thinking we have had this freedom. Its really been pushed to the opposite and become sort of a rebellion.
"eat vegetables, they are good for you..."
" No.. i don't wanna eat vegetables.. you can't tell me what to do"..
We've rebelled from the the norms and the standards that a higher governance has set for us. I pretty much can choose to believe what i want, to live a certain life and to be a certain way, of course, without denying someone rights to the same freedoms.
But... what if... i want to be a stay at home mom... well then, i stand the chance of being accused of falling to the sexist mentality that has been ruling time. I stand being ousted by professional women who say that's not what i really want.. i just want that because that's what I've been told i want. What if i want to cook and clean for my husband, while he goes to work and supports the family. All of this within reason, ( he's not to abuse this either) What if i choose to believe in One TRUE God? Well that's silly. Why would you do that when we've been trying so hard to get away from the rules, rituals, and suffocatings of Christianity? Especially when there are so many other religions that do not tell you there is only ONE way to God. That's so restrictive
Why not?
I believe people have lost the full ability to think for themselves. Just because someone, somewhere, in some time, abused the idea, took it and distorted it, manipulated it, rearranged it and kept the same name... doesn't mean that at some point, in the beginning, it wasn't something good.
Women... we are nurturing. We want to take care of the ones we love... I know i do. In whatever way i can, i want to make sure they are taken care of... children, or no children, we are nurturing. We were created to hold life... whether or not we do.. we as a whole, were created to do so... that's a HUGE call! That requires a strength that comes from being nurturing. That's okay. We are not weaker than, we just acquire different strengths. We can tolerate immense pain, but we still maintain an amount of delicacy. I'm okay with that. I want to be delicate, I want to be taken care of too. I want the man i marry to be a stronger person, ( not just by physical strength) but by having the ability to take care of me, while I'm taking care of our children and him as well. Chivalry is now considered offensive. Opening a door for you doesn't mean they think you can't, they are just making a gesture of courtesy! A genuine man of strength acknowledges your strength, but will also let you use it whenever he can't, and will almost let you save your strength for whenever you need it. But i have been told, that if a man offers to open the door, or to carry something heavy, or let him take care of something, it means, he thinks i can't. Like mentioned earlier, some men have manipulated this, and actually do think we are weak, fragile beings that can't do anything, and really any man who thinks this way, and is aware of the fact that women give birth, and go through almost a weeks worth of pain EVERY month, really aren't worth the argument. They speak for themselves. All I am saying, is.... i feel in our rebellion of what a woman's place is, we lost our own desire to where we want to be. Sure, be a professional... be a career woman, let your husband stay at home. That's fine! but if you want to stay home.. then do it... and don;t feel that you are surrendering to the idea that you are doing exactly what "we've" fought so hard to get away from.
As for God. I think that religion has been shoved down our throats for so long, that now, we spit out everything!!
Everyone is so okay now with believing in anything but the Christian God. If you decide to follow anything BUT Christianity , than you are truly open minded and wise. But if you choose to believe in Jesus, and His Divinity, well then ,you haven't really explored your options.
Thing is.. people reject Christ, because they can't possibly believe in that ... yet they fall into the novelties of a million other religions and beliefs without exploring its validity. Christians are constantly being mocked and criticized., but how dare you say something to disgrace the honor of Buddha, or any of the Hindu Gods. I'm not encouraging anyone to start doing this, its not right to disrespect anyone or their beliefs. But as a whole, I think that its become more okay to reject and mock Christianity than any other belief. Yes, i am aware that there have been some ( many ) "Christians" that have done many unruly things, but if you knew anything about this faith, and what it is based on, these " Christian" masks would be removed and you would see that these people were not acting on faith, and on a relationship with Christ. Christianity has nothing to hide. Its open to investigation. Its open to examination. Its a shame that people have taken the name, manipulated it, twisted it and carried it to open forums for everyone to see. If someone was to take my name, and in the name of "Flora" do horrendous things, wrong things, manipulated things, of course, people would see that, and of course pay little attention to the other who in my name went out and did good. If others took my name and in my name were helpful, gentle, and loving people, they would not get the same attention. Without ever knowing anything about ME, you would reject me, because you never even tried to know me. Without ever knowing Jesus, people reject Him. They base their view on those who have taken his name and acted solely on their manipulating intentions.
Because so many have shoved this religion down people's throats, this FAITH is being spit out. Should people decide to try and see for themselves.. who knows... you might agree with it.
SO think for yourselves, we are allowed that freedom, and i feel as if though we have been tricked into thinking we have had this freedom. Its really been pushed to the opposite and become sort of a rebellion.
"eat vegetables, they are good for you..."
" No.. i don't wanna eat vegetables.. you can't tell me what to do"..
after the storm
The storm is over... at least the worst part.... the rain is still falling, on the occasion it gets a little heavier, but for the most part, the skies are clearing and the sun is rising. The waves are calmer, and the decks are drying.
In that storm I cried for Him. In that storm, I begged for His help. The waves came crashing in and I could not even stand on my own two feet. In that storm, I knew He was the only one who could help me.
In that storm, I extended my arms out to Him and He graciously took me in. He gave me peace, and comfort. He let me know that should this ship go down, He still had me.
Now, the storm is gone. I delight in the beautiful rays of sun, as they touch my skin and make me feel the great warmth it has. It's been many days since that time of the storm, and the longer it is, the more I stop crying out for Him. The less I even recognize Him in my thoughts. The less I reach out to Him. Yet, I bask in the grace and peace that He has given me. I enjoy the clear skies He has allowed me. Little thanks have been given.
How many times do we cry out for Him to give His grace? His peace? His mercy?And when given, how often do we keep crying out for HIM?
As a friend, how many times has someone come running to you for your help and when they recieve it, they thank you, linger then move on, keeping little touch with you, and making you feel a little forgotten? I know I've done that, with no ill intention, but I have done that. How many times has that been done to you? We get hurt, we feel offended, and sometimes, we take back our acts of kindness or hesitate to give them out again. Not Him. He continues to give His help over and over again, and we keep taking it and leaving. Again, not with ill intention, but we do.
The hard part is remembering this is the midst of its happening, with our friends and with God. But He, He never forgets us..... not once....
How great is He.
In that storm I cried for Him. In that storm, I begged for His help. The waves came crashing in and I could not even stand on my own two feet. In that storm, I knew He was the only one who could help me.
In that storm, I extended my arms out to Him and He graciously took me in. He gave me peace, and comfort. He let me know that should this ship go down, He still had me.
Now, the storm is gone. I delight in the beautiful rays of sun, as they touch my skin and make me feel the great warmth it has. It's been many days since that time of the storm, and the longer it is, the more I stop crying out for Him. The less I even recognize Him in my thoughts. The less I reach out to Him. Yet, I bask in the grace and peace that He has given me. I enjoy the clear skies He has allowed me. Little thanks have been given.
How many times do we cry out for Him to give His grace? His peace? His mercy?And when given, how often do we keep crying out for HIM?
As a friend, how many times has someone come running to you for your help and when they recieve it, they thank you, linger then move on, keeping little touch with you, and making you feel a little forgotten? I know I've done that, with no ill intention, but I have done that. How many times has that been done to you? We get hurt, we feel offended, and sometimes, we take back our acts of kindness or hesitate to give them out again. Not Him. He continues to give His help over and over again, and we keep taking it and leaving. Again, not with ill intention, but we do.
The hard part is remembering this is the midst of its happening, with our friends and with God. But He, He never forgets us..... not once....
How great is He.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Heavy Words
Words can become very heavy, and yet remain with such delicacy. A word and its interpretation, and all the ideas that follow can lead to great discoveries about how you have always looked at that word and how you look at it now..a symbol of the great changes one goes through in life, a sort of progression.
There are a few words, ( though they them seem to multiply in definition) circling around in my mind at this time; Hope, Faith, and Trust. These words carry so much weight, that even in typing them, I rearranged them in a significant order and capitalized them to show that they are indeed heavy words.
Hope
Hebrews 6:19-20
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."
This has always been a favorite verse of mine, partly because of its nautical reference and my slight fascination with anchors and ships. Mostly because of the "anchor for the soul" part. I felt ( at that time in my life) that my hope was all that I had... note, I made it MY hope.
Faith.
As believers, we profess our Faith. We have Faith in someone we can not see, but who in testimony, have seen His works in our lives. We have witnessed His miracles, and interventions in our lives. We have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and we have accepted His word as truth. Our Faith makes room for our Hope to gain strength. Earlier, I emphasized that it was my hope, that was an anchor to my soul. My Faith was built on this hope, for a very long time, even to recent times.
Hebrews 11:1
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Trust
from the Merriam Webster dictionary ;
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.
To Trust someone, anyone is to say, " I have no doubt in my mind or heart that you will come through for me to the best of your ability"...for example, we put our trust in Doctors and their staff to do all that they can to save our lives....
To say we trust someone is to say " I believe your intentions are good, and that you are not out to hurt me..." we get hurt most when we put our trust in someone and they misuse that.. " I TRUSTED him/her, how could he/she do this?"
Psalm 62:8
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah"
A new meaning
Hope...
As stated earlier.. I had this idea that it was MY hope that was an anchor to my soul.. and it was very much my anchor.. and I was far from being anchored..."This Ship" was swaying back and forth and unable to reach the harbor...( God's presence ) basically... this anchor was weak.
In reading and in conversation with friends about this verse ( one friend specifically explained this verse to me...)
Hebrews 6:19-22
19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
From my understanding...in the these times, the inner sanctuary was a place where only high priests were allowed to be "close to God", and the heavy curtains kept others out. Jesus went before us, entering on our behalf... further solidifying that Jesus is the only way to God...
In reading, ( The Quest Study Bible) I understood that we are the ship close to harbor, but for whatever reason, be it tides, fog, unsteady water, we are unable to get to the harbor ( God's presence), Jesus comes to us as another ship, bringing an anchor to the harbor, to get us there. Our soul anchored to God, through Jesus and His promise for us.
All this time, I was using MY hope as an anchor... it's no wonder my heart has been without peace... it's no wonder I have been so scared, and so worried.. and so incredibly impatient.
I have been so unaware that My hope was so fragile...
"I hope for the best.." "I hope he doesn't fall" "I hope I don't get hurt..." " I hope we get through this.." I---meaning my hope... is very unsecured...
I was placing this hope in my relationship with God... " I hope He is real.." " I hope He gets me through this"
Hebrews 11:11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
FAITH is being SURE of our hope...
How can we get this certainty?
Its in Heb 6:19.... HE is our Hope...
HE gives us Hope.. it is not our own natural, very human, very weak hope, but His Hope... just as we would ask for His Strength when ours fails us.. just as we ask for His Peace.. when our hearts want to explode... just as we ask for His Joy when there is no sign of joy. Seek not our own ... but instead for His.
My journey as a believer has very little evidence of my Trusting in God. I've been impatient in His will for me, I have been scared and worried most of my life, I have taken things into my own hands and have broken them, as "careful" as i thought i was with them. In that i have been slowly breaking myself..a product of not TRUSTING in God. I have been using my hope..and that has given very little fuel for faith.. though it has been there. All this leads to a life lacking Trust in God..
I can only compare this to a parent-child relationship. The relationship is there... The parent is the parent and the child is the child.. you can't argue that.
But how often to do we not trust our parents? Our juvenile minds question them.. and don't listen to them.. even when it is known that they have the best intentions for us...but they are still our parents, and while we acknowledge that, we don't trust them and their advice...
He is our Father. We should Trust him. He knows us, more than we know ourselves.. who better to guide us through the rough waters and dark paths?
Romans 15:13
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
There are a few words, ( though they them seem to multiply in definition) circling around in my mind at this time; Hope, Faith, and Trust. These words carry so much weight, that even in typing them, I rearranged them in a significant order and capitalized them to show that they are indeed heavy words.
Hope
Hebrews 6:19-20
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."
This has always been a favorite verse of mine, partly because of its nautical reference and my slight fascination with anchors and ships. Mostly because of the "anchor for the soul" part. I felt ( at that time in my life) that my hope was all that I had... note, I made it MY hope.
Faith.
As believers, we profess our Faith. We have Faith in someone we can not see, but who in testimony, have seen His works in our lives. We have witnessed His miracles, and interventions in our lives. We have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and we have accepted His word as truth. Our Faith makes room for our Hope to gain strength. Earlier, I emphasized that it was my hope, that was an anchor to my soul. My Faith was built on this hope, for a very long time, even to recent times.
Hebrews 11:1
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Trust
from the Merriam Webster dictionary ;
1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.
To Trust someone, anyone is to say, " I have no doubt in my mind or heart that you will come through for me to the best of your ability"...for example, we put our trust in Doctors and their staff to do all that they can to save our lives....
To say we trust someone is to say " I believe your intentions are good, and that you are not out to hurt me..." we get hurt most when we put our trust in someone and they misuse that.. " I TRUSTED him/her, how could he/she do this?"
Psalm 62:8
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah"
A new meaning
Hope...
As stated earlier.. I had this idea that it was MY hope that was an anchor to my soul.. and it was very much my anchor.. and I was far from being anchored..."This Ship" was swaying back and forth and unable to reach the harbor...( God's presence ) basically... this anchor was weak.
In reading and in conversation with friends about this verse ( one friend specifically explained this verse to me...)
Hebrews 6:19-22
19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
From my understanding...in the these times, the inner sanctuary was a place where only high priests were allowed to be "close to God", and the heavy curtains kept others out. Jesus went before us, entering on our behalf... further solidifying that Jesus is the only way to God...
In reading, ( The Quest Study Bible) I understood that we are the ship close to harbor, but for whatever reason, be it tides, fog, unsteady water, we are unable to get to the harbor ( God's presence), Jesus comes to us as another ship, bringing an anchor to the harbor, to get us there. Our soul anchored to God, through Jesus and His promise for us.
All this time, I was using MY hope as an anchor... it's no wonder my heart has been without peace... it's no wonder I have been so scared, and so worried.. and so incredibly impatient.
I have been so unaware that My hope was so fragile...
"I hope for the best.." "I hope he doesn't fall" "I hope I don't get hurt..." " I hope we get through this.." I---meaning my hope... is very unsecured...
I was placing this hope in my relationship with God... " I hope He is real.." " I hope He gets me through this"
Hebrews 11:11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
FAITH is being SURE of our hope...
How can we get this certainty?
Its in Heb 6:19.... HE is our Hope...
HE gives us Hope.. it is not our own natural, very human, very weak hope, but His Hope... just as we would ask for His Strength when ours fails us.. just as we ask for His Peace.. when our hearts want to explode... just as we ask for His Joy when there is no sign of joy. Seek not our own ... but instead for His.
My journey as a believer has very little evidence of my Trusting in God. I've been impatient in His will for me, I have been scared and worried most of my life, I have taken things into my own hands and have broken them, as "careful" as i thought i was with them. In that i have been slowly breaking myself..a product of not TRUSTING in God. I have been using my hope..and that has given very little fuel for faith.. though it has been there. All this leads to a life lacking Trust in God..
I can only compare this to a parent-child relationship. The relationship is there... The parent is the parent and the child is the child.. you can't argue that.
But how often to do we not trust our parents? Our juvenile minds question them.. and don't listen to them.. even when it is known that they have the best intentions for us...but they are still our parents, and while we acknowledge that, we don't trust them and their advice...
He is our Father. We should Trust him. He knows us, more than we know ourselves.. who better to guide us through the rough waters and dark paths?
Romans 15:13
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
love
A misused, mistrusted, mistaken word.
In all its complexities, it really is just very simple. The thing that complicates it is fear. We are so afraid to love. We are so scared of giving love and not receiving it in return. People allow themselves to love when there is a sense of promise that they will receive it in return. I'm guilty of this. I won't allow myself to love until I see at least a glimmer of hope that I will too be loved. This is romantically speaking.
In our self righteousness, we determine who deserves our love. Those who are rude, mean, bitter, angry, hateful, do not deserve our love. I met a man at work who had some difficulties in getting his check cashed. He was rude, he was loud. He was wearing a shirt that said" homeland security, Arizona division" that made my blood boil. I seemed to have won him over because he began to smile as I reassured him that I would do anything possible to get his check cashed and that if I couldn't it was something I could not control. I smiled at him and he settled down. I was able to do his transaction. Oddly enough, my blood didn't boil too much. It had settled. I prayed for love that was beyond my own. I chose to show this man, this stranger love in the form of kindness.
There are people in my life that are so easy to love. They welcome it. They give it back. There are kind strangers in my life that make it so easy to show kindness.
What about those who don’t make it so easy? What about those who have abused your kindness? What about those who have hurt you, deceived you, made a fool out of you, and those who have misused you? What about those who don't see life as valuable and destroy it? They are obviously undeserving of anyone's love. What about yourself? You of all people can hurt yourself so easily by taking so little care of yourself, how do you love yourself?
Yet, above all these, is the greatest love. The love we reach out for when we can't find it our hearts to love. It is the kind of love that sees past the deserving and the undeserved, the kind of love that loves us, even when we don't love back.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to love like that?
Was he not afraid to love us? Does he not know that we ( people) may not love him back? Yet, he does. He loves us.
In all its complexities, it really is just very simple. The thing that complicates it is fear. We are so afraid to love. We are so scared of giving love and not receiving it in return. People allow themselves to love when there is a sense of promise that they will receive it in return. I'm guilty of this. I won't allow myself to love until I see at least a glimmer of hope that I will too be loved. This is romantically speaking.
In our self righteousness, we determine who deserves our love. Those who are rude, mean, bitter, angry, hateful, do not deserve our love. I met a man at work who had some difficulties in getting his check cashed. He was rude, he was loud. He was wearing a shirt that said" homeland security, Arizona division" that made my blood boil. I seemed to have won him over because he began to smile as I reassured him that I would do anything possible to get his check cashed and that if I couldn't it was something I could not control. I smiled at him and he settled down. I was able to do his transaction. Oddly enough, my blood didn't boil too much. It had settled. I prayed for love that was beyond my own. I chose to show this man, this stranger love in the form of kindness.
There are people in my life that are so easy to love. They welcome it. They give it back. There are kind strangers in my life that make it so easy to show kindness.
What about those who don’t make it so easy? What about those who have abused your kindness? What about those who have hurt you, deceived you, made a fool out of you, and those who have misused you? What about those who don't see life as valuable and destroy it? They are obviously undeserving of anyone's love. What about yourself? You of all people can hurt yourself so easily by taking so little care of yourself, how do you love yourself?
Yet, above all these, is the greatest love. The love we reach out for when we can't find it our hearts to love. It is the kind of love that sees past the deserving and the undeserved, the kind of love that loves us, even when we don't love back.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to love like that?
Was he not afraid to love us? Does he not know that we ( people) may not love him back? Yet, he does. He loves us.
aches
The ache begins in my fingers then trails up my arm, through my wrists, and into my shoulders. The muscles in my back feel like they are burning. Then the burning turns into a tightness. This slowly pulls down on my neck. My head tries to fight the pull so instead, a throbbing pain ignites on my left temple. I wish it would end here but it doesn’t. It starts to creep behind my eyes, and blurs my vision a little. Just enough to even out the head ache to both sides of my skull. So I reach for a glass of water and some little red pills. Too many of these begin to wear down my stomach so now; my stomach joins in on this brigade to wear down my body.
I know there is worse. I know that I don’t have it all that bad. I know that there are people out there with incredible pain that I can’t even imagine tolerating. I know that there are others out there with bones as brittle as glass. I know that there are people out there with muscles that burn with every move of their body. I know there are stomachs that hurt so bad they force you into a fetal position searching for the comfort of a mother’s womb. I know these things. The slightest pain in my body reminds me of these things. So I keep typing. I keep writing. I keep drawing and holding my pen awkwardly. I keep popping the little red pills, in moderation to alleviate the pain. I keep moving because I can. I know I am hurting, but in relation to the world of pain out there, I am okay. My aches are minimal. Knowing this, I keep moving. It’s physical.
The thought begins at the mind. It begins as a question, a curiosity, an insight. The thought stands at an edge of reason. It stands at a crossroad. The thinking begins. “Do I go left? Do I go right? Do I go at all?” What happens if one goes, what happens when one falls? Would it really be safer to stay? Should I wait for the sun to set or would it be too late by sunrise? Am I already late? Fine I’ll go. No wait. What would happen should one prevail? What if things fall into place and that’s not where you had expected? What do I do then? How will I react? Will I react? Will I do the right thing? Or will I fall into the same hole I've fallen into so many times? What will make this time different? Will it be different?” it’s so permanent. Steps taken can’t be taken back. Words said can be mistaken, and actions misinterpreted, or interpreted too well. . The thought takes form. Thought turned emotion begins to trail down my head, and into my throat. I swallow the saliva that has been sitting beneath my tongue. It passes through the knot in my throat, and into my heart, making it beat faster and harder. The beats are so heavy they hit my stomach and I begin to feel nauseous. My heart feels like it has sunken into my stomach. How can a thought do this? Fear begins to run down my arms, and down my spine. My bones feel naked. My skin feels cold. My breaths get heavier. My head feels light. There is no pill I want to take. There is no “thought medication”. Sure, simple solutions can provide for quick fixes. Pop a pill to ease the symptoms, but soon that pill will dissolve and leave me alone with these thoughts and these emotions. The fear will return; the irrational fear. By this time, the mind has surpassed that crossroad. Common sense settles in and alleviates the tension in my brain. There’s nothing to worry about, there is nothing to be scared about. Just relax. It’s not the end of the world. I know this. I know that whatever happens, I’ll be okay. I know there are larger than life worries out there. I know there are uncontrollable situations that instill fear that is paralyzing. I know this. Still. It’s too late.
My body is in motion. Internally, the fear turns into a heart beat and rushes up my throat and unravels the knot that was there before. The tears begin to flow. The words begin to spill out of my mouth. Some are understood, some misunderstood. Some are taken, some are mistaken, and some are dismissed. Actions are acted out and left to the mercy of an audience caught off guard.
Then it’s over. The thoughts subside. The fear is gone, and all that is left is a naked, pile of bones. A naked pile of bones that doesn’t see that there in front of her was a warm body taking in her words, taking in her actions, taking in her emotions, and wanting to take her in completely.
I know there is worse. I know that I don’t have it all that bad. I know that there are people out there with incredible pain that I can’t even imagine tolerating. I know that there are others out there with bones as brittle as glass. I know that there are people out there with muscles that burn with every move of their body. I know there are stomachs that hurt so bad they force you into a fetal position searching for the comfort of a mother’s womb. I know these things. The slightest pain in my body reminds me of these things. So I keep typing. I keep writing. I keep drawing and holding my pen awkwardly. I keep popping the little red pills, in moderation to alleviate the pain. I keep moving because I can. I know I am hurting, but in relation to the world of pain out there, I am okay. My aches are minimal. Knowing this, I keep moving. It’s physical.
The thought begins at the mind. It begins as a question, a curiosity, an insight. The thought stands at an edge of reason. It stands at a crossroad. The thinking begins. “Do I go left? Do I go right? Do I go at all?” What happens if one goes, what happens when one falls? Would it really be safer to stay? Should I wait for the sun to set or would it be too late by sunrise? Am I already late? Fine I’ll go. No wait. What would happen should one prevail? What if things fall into place and that’s not where you had expected? What do I do then? How will I react? Will I react? Will I do the right thing? Or will I fall into the same hole I've fallen into so many times? What will make this time different? Will it be different?” it’s so permanent. Steps taken can’t be taken back. Words said can be mistaken, and actions misinterpreted, or interpreted too well. . The thought takes form. Thought turned emotion begins to trail down my head, and into my throat. I swallow the saliva that has been sitting beneath my tongue. It passes through the knot in my throat, and into my heart, making it beat faster and harder. The beats are so heavy they hit my stomach and I begin to feel nauseous. My heart feels like it has sunken into my stomach. How can a thought do this? Fear begins to run down my arms, and down my spine. My bones feel naked. My skin feels cold. My breaths get heavier. My head feels light. There is no pill I want to take. There is no “thought medication”. Sure, simple solutions can provide for quick fixes. Pop a pill to ease the symptoms, but soon that pill will dissolve and leave me alone with these thoughts and these emotions. The fear will return; the irrational fear. By this time, the mind has surpassed that crossroad. Common sense settles in and alleviates the tension in my brain. There’s nothing to worry about, there is nothing to be scared about. Just relax. It’s not the end of the world. I know this. I know that whatever happens, I’ll be okay. I know there are larger than life worries out there. I know there are uncontrollable situations that instill fear that is paralyzing. I know this. Still. It’s too late.
My body is in motion. Internally, the fear turns into a heart beat and rushes up my throat and unravels the knot that was there before. The tears begin to flow. The words begin to spill out of my mouth. Some are understood, some misunderstood. Some are taken, some are mistaken, and some are dismissed. Actions are acted out and left to the mercy of an audience caught off guard.
Then it’s over. The thoughts subside. The fear is gone, and all that is left is a naked, pile of bones. A naked pile of bones that doesn’t see that there in front of her was a warm body taking in her words, taking in her actions, taking in her emotions, and wanting to take her in completely.
glass
You know that moment when you feel the glass slipping from your hand?
Slowly you feel its smooth side glide along the ridges of your fingers pushing them back…and as much force as your fingers alone can put into holding onto the glass, its not enough to hold on. It’s almost as if the rest of your body has deserted your hand, allowing it to fend for itself. Your arms are useless, your eyes can only watch what is happening, but your brain doesn’t quite compute it until the sound of glass breaking on the floor smashes through your ears. Then your lips open, your tongue separates itself from the roof of your mouth, and the air inside you comes out as a gasp.
How could you grow so numb? How could you forget what you were doing? You were standing there, holding it, and somehow, you managed to get so lost in thought, your whole body followed you. If your heart didn’t know how to beat on its own, it would have stopped beating. If your lungs needed you to expand and contract, you would have stopped breathing, but fortunately for you, they do it on their own. The rest of your body grew cold. Your eyes got caught staring at completely nothing, slowly blinking half way, slowly reaching a full blink.
Then the crashing sounds of glass as the pieces hit the floor, over and over, bouncing off each other gets your body moving again. Your head moves, your eyes look to see what made such an intrusive noise.
Oh yeah, you were holding a glass. How could you forget? All the colors of the room you had been standing in come to life. The world continues to move and the glass lies still on the floor. Your tense shoulders drop, slightly to a slump. You grab a napkin and carefully pick up the pieces. Tiny little pieces scattered like glitter on the floor. You’re careful, because your feet are bare, so you do the best you can to pick up every single little piece. All of this because you got lost in thought.
Slowly you feel its smooth side glide along the ridges of your fingers pushing them back…and as much force as your fingers alone can put into holding onto the glass, its not enough to hold on. It’s almost as if the rest of your body has deserted your hand, allowing it to fend for itself. Your arms are useless, your eyes can only watch what is happening, but your brain doesn’t quite compute it until the sound of glass breaking on the floor smashes through your ears. Then your lips open, your tongue separates itself from the roof of your mouth, and the air inside you comes out as a gasp.
How could you grow so numb? How could you forget what you were doing? You were standing there, holding it, and somehow, you managed to get so lost in thought, your whole body followed you. If your heart didn’t know how to beat on its own, it would have stopped beating. If your lungs needed you to expand and contract, you would have stopped breathing, but fortunately for you, they do it on their own. The rest of your body grew cold. Your eyes got caught staring at completely nothing, slowly blinking half way, slowly reaching a full blink.
Then the crashing sounds of glass as the pieces hit the floor, over and over, bouncing off each other gets your body moving again. Your head moves, your eyes look to see what made such an intrusive noise.
Oh yeah, you were holding a glass. How could you forget? All the colors of the room you had been standing in come to life. The world continues to move and the glass lies still on the floor. Your tense shoulders drop, slightly to a slump. You grab a napkin and carefully pick up the pieces. Tiny little pieces scattered like glitter on the floor. You’re careful, because your feet are bare, so you do the best you can to pick up every single little piece. All of this because you got lost in thought.
live for pain as you would for death
“Live for pain as you would for death” essentially meaning to prepare for pain and death without forgetting to “live” life. Those words came out a friend’s mouth over fried pickles and beer.
She compared it to something I’d said earlier about living a vulnerable life. My thoughts were as follows;
I decided to embrace who I am and who I have always been, but in recognizing it I am hoping to control it a little better. I believe I have to be vulnerable in order to achieve any sort of happiness. I can either live in seclusion from anything that could possibly hurt or change things for me and be comfortable in not feeling anything but the occasional loneliness or I can step out of these walls, open myself up to something new and terribly scary and either get slammed right on the ground or have the best experience of my life. Thing is, how do I keep from getting “slammed” and turn that into a “trip” or a “stumble”?
I am the one who always makes up some excuse for whatever is done to her. I am the one who puts a lot of the blame on herself. I try not to be the one who automatically assumes the world is out to get her. That annoys me. People are always getting so upset as if the entire human race was so caught up on intentionally making the world that much more difficult for that person. I can take that too far. And not see what is being done. Not exactly the intentional attack but the carelessness and clumsiness that placed a rock right in front of me that caused me to trip and fall flat on my face. I give reason to madness. I give justification to injustice. Somehow I feel this is an unintentional way of excusing a lot of things and mistakes I myself have made, towards myself and other people. I never thought forgiveness could be such a handicap for me. I forgive a lot, and maybe I expect forgiveness too much.
So I keep giving chances to those ahead of me. Regardless of what the person right before them has done. Do I change at all? I’m not sure. Do I keep running through the way in the maze ending up at the same dead end? “Maybe this time it will be different” I say to myself. Thing is, I really do believe that maybe this time it will be different. Why would it not be? Every person is completely different, and I can not assume that people are made definite patterns.
I so I get back up. Look at that rock, linger on what just happened. “What recklessness. What carelessness. Why did he put that there? Did he not see me walking? Wait, how foolish of me, why didn’t I walk around it? Why didn’t I see it?”
What does it take to look at what was done. Distribute the responsibility of the action and move on without being so jaded that I refuse to walk near anything or anyone who could possibly put another rock right in front of me.
It is what it is. It was what it was and it could have been something completely different than what I thought it was. It could have been exactly what I thought it was.
The right amount of vulnerability is essential. To take what I needed to take out of the situation and leave the unnecessary baggage behind. I want to be vulnerable enough to allow for great things to happen yet to be careful and aware of those rocks on the path before me, and still prepare to fall again, and get right back up. “To live for pain, as I would for death.” ,Knowing that it not only might happen but will happen, and still keep on living, in life’s fullness.
That is when God’s grace comes into the picture. It should have been since the beginning but as often as we declare his work in our lives, we hardly let him in. Where does that vulnerability come from? And where does that strength in knowing that it might lead to something really painful and hoping that it can lead to something incredibly beautiful come from? I alone can not conjure up the energy to even process the thought. Yet from him I get the overwhelming peace that it will be okay. That I will in fact fall and I will get up and walk again.
I have made myself vulnerable to many people. I have made myself vulnerable to my family, I trust them not to intentionally hurt me. I have made myself vulnerable to my friends hoping that their friendship is genuine and even though they have the ability to deceive me, they won’t. I have made myself vulnerable to many guys, who have hurt me and some who have not and I will do it again, or be alone for the rest of my life. I have made myself vulnerable to a God who I have not seen with my own eyes, but have felt in my heart, and who works I have seen in my life. I have faith and hope in his love for me and have opened myself up to him. Even when I don’t open up completely and shut him out of my life at times, he takes those areas of my life that I have given him and makes mountains out of grains of sand.
He has given me the heart to forgive and to be forgiven. I can only hope that in that strength I find more consistent peace and discernment. How do you find the right portions in vulnerability and strength? I found it through Him.
She compared it to something I’d said earlier about living a vulnerable life. My thoughts were as follows;
I decided to embrace who I am and who I have always been, but in recognizing it I am hoping to control it a little better. I believe I have to be vulnerable in order to achieve any sort of happiness. I can either live in seclusion from anything that could possibly hurt or change things for me and be comfortable in not feeling anything but the occasional loneliness or I can step out of these walls, open myself up to something new and terribly scary and either get slammed right on the ground or have the best experience of my life. Thing is, how do I keep from getting “slammed” and turn that into a “trip” or a “stumble”?
I am the one who always makes up some excuse for whatever is done to her. I am the one who puts a lot of the blame on herself. I try not to be the one who automatically assumes the world is out to get her. That annoys me. People are always getting so upset as if the entire human race was so caught up on intentionally making the world that much more difficult for that person. I can take that too far. And not see what is being done. Not exactly the intentional attack but the carelessness and clumsiness that placed a rock right in front of me that caused me to trip and fall flat on my face. I give reason to madness. I give justification to injustice. Somehow I feel this is an unintentional way of excusing a lot of things and mistakes I myself have made, towards myself and other people. I never thought forgiveness could be such a handicap for me. I forgive a lot, and maybe I expect forgiveness too much.
So I keep giving chances to those ahead of me. Regardless of what the person right before them has done. Do I change at all? I’m not sure. Do I keep running through the way in the maze ending up at the same dead end? “Maybe this time it will be different” I say to myself. Thing is, I really do believe that maybe this time it will be different. Why would it not be? Every person is completely different, and I can not assume that people are made definite patterns.
I so I get back up. Look at that rock, linger on what just happened. “What recklessness. What carelessness. Why did he put that there? Did he not see me walking? Wait, how foolish of me, why didn’t I walk around it? Why didn’t I see it?”
What does it take to look at what was done. Distribute the responsibility of the action and move on without being so jaded that I refuse to walk near anything or anyone who could possibly put another rock right in front of me.
It is what it is. It was what it was and it could have been something completely different than what I thought it was. It could have been exactly what I thought it was.
The right amount of vulnerability is essential. To take what I needed to take out of the situation and leave the unnecessary baggage behind. I want to be vulnerable enough to allow for great things to happen yet to be careful and aware of those rocks on the path before me, and still prepare to fall again, and get right back up. “To live for pain, as I would for death.” ,Knowing that it not only might happen but will happen, and still keep on living, in life’s fullness.
That is when God’s grace comes into the picture. It should have been since the beginning but as often as we declare his work in our lives, we hardly let him in. Where does that vulnerability come from? And where does that strength in knowing that it might lead to something really painful and hoping that it can lead to something incredibly beautiful come from? I alone can not conjure up the energy to even process the thought. Yet from him I get the overwhelming peace that it will be okay. That I will in fact fall and I will get up and walk again.
I have made myself vulnerable to many people. I have made myself vulnerable to my family, I trust them not to intentionally hurt me. I have made myself vulnerable to my friends hoping that their friendship is genuine and even though they have the ability to deceive me, they won’t. I have made myself vulnerable to many guys, who have hurt me and some who have not and I will do it again, or be alone for the rest of my life. I have made myself vulnerable to a God who I have not seen with my own eyes, but have felt in my heart, and who works I have seen in my life. I have faith and hope in his love for me and have opened myself up to him. Even when I don’t open up completely and shut him out of my life at times, he takes those areas of my life that I have given him and makes mountains out of grains of sand.
He has given me the heart to forgive and to be forgiven. I can only hope that in that strength I find more consistent peace and discernment. How do you find the right portions in vulnerability and strength? I found it through Him.
Thought and Emotion
Why does Thought provoke Emotion? It taunts Emotion. There sits Emotion, at the bottom of my heart, and Thought comes along and pushes it. “Remember this?” It says. “Remember those words sung so sweetly? Don’t you miss that? Don’t you want that?”
Worst part is Thought doesn’t even know what it’s talking about. It doesn’t even agree with itself. When Emotion finally gives in and says, “Yes, yes I do remember that!” As it weighs even heavier on my heart and starts kicking at the walls…Thought scolds it for being so stupid. Thought reminds Emotion that it was better without that in their lives, it was for the best.
Then Emotion, shamefully, agrees, and feels foolish for allowing itself to get so riled up. It stops kicking, and agrees to move on.
This will last for a couple of days, or at least until Thought gets bored and starts to taunt Emotion again.
Poor heart, it gets caught in the cross fire.
Worst part is Thought doesn’t even know what it’s talking about. It doesn’t even agree with itself. When Emotion finally gives in and says, “Yes, yes I do remember that!” As it weighs even heavier on my heart and starts kicking at the walls…Thought scolds it for being so stupid. Thought reminds Emotion that it was better without that in their lives, it was for the best.
Then Emotion, shamefully, agrees, and feels foolish for allowing itself to get so riled up. It stops kicking, and agrees to move on.
This will last for a couple of days, or at least until Thought gets bored and starts to taunt Emotion again.
Poor heart, it gets caught in the cross fire.
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