live for pain as you would for death

“Live for pain as you would for death” essentially meaning to prepare for pain and death without forgetting to “live” life. Those words came out a friend’s mouth over fried pickles and beer.
She compared it to something I’d said earlier about living a vulnerable life. My thoughts were as follows;
I decided to embrace who I am and who I have always been, but in recognizing it I am hoping to control it a little better. I believe I have to be vulnerable in order to achieve any sort of happiness. I can either live in seclusion from anything that could possibly hurt or change things for me and be comfortable in not feeling anything but the occasional loneliness or I can step out of these walls, open myself up to something new and terribly scary and either get slammed right on the ground or have the best experience of my life. Thing is, how do I keep from getting “slammed” and turn that into a “trip” or a “stumble”?
I am the one who always makes up some excuse for whatever is done to her. I am the one who puts a lot of the blame on herself. I try not to be the one who automatically assumes the world is out to get her. That annoys me. People are always getting so upset as if the entire human race was so caught up on intentionally making the world that much more difficult for that person. I can take that too far. And not see what is being done. Not exactly the intentional attack but the carelessness and clumsiness that placed a rock right in front of me that caused me to trip and fall flat on my face. I give reason to madness. I give justification to injustice. Somehow I feel this is an unintentional way of excusing a lot of things and mistakes I myself have made, towards myself and other people. I never thought forgiveness could be such a handicap for me. I forgive a lot, and maybe I expect forgiveness too much.
So I keep giving chances to those ahead of me. Regardless of what the person right before them has done. Do I change at all? I’m not sure. Do I keep running through the way in the maze ending up at the same dead end? “Maybe this time it will be different” I say to myself. Thing is, I really do believe that maybe this time it will be different. Why would it not be? Every person is completely different, and I can not assume that people are made definite patterns.
I so I get back up. Look at that rock, linger on what just happened. “What recklessness. What carelessness. Why did he put that there? Did he not see me walking? Wait, how foolish of me, why didn’t I walk around it? Why didn’t I see it?”
What does it take to look at what was done. Distribute the responsibility of the action and move on without being so jaded that I refuse to walk near anything or anyone who could possibly put another rock right in front of me.
It is what it is. It was what it was and it could have been something completely different than what I thought it was. It could have been exactly what I thought it was.
The right amount of vulnerability is essential. To take what I needed to take out of the situation and leave the unnecessary baggage behind. I want to be vulnerable enough to allow for great things to happen yet to be careful and aware of those rocks on the path before me, and still prepare to fall again, and get right back up. “To live for pain, as I would for death.” ,Knowing that it not only might happen but will happen, and still keep on living, in life’s fullness.
That is when God’s grace comes into the picture. It should have been since the beginning but as often as we declare his work in our lives, we hardly let him in. Where does that vulnerability come from? And where does that strength in knowing that it might lead to something really painful and hoping that it can lead to something incredibly beautiful come from? I alone can not conjure up the energy to even process the thought. Yet from him I get the overwhelming peace that it will be okay. That I will in fact fall and I will get up and walk again.
I have made myself vulnerable to many people. I have made myself vulnerable to my family, I trust them not to intentionally hurt me. I have made myself vulnerable to my friends hoping that their friendship is genuine and even though they have the ability to deceive me, they won’t. I have made myself vulnerable to many guys, who have hurt me and some who have not and I will do it again, or be alone for the rest of my life. I have made myself vulnerable to a God who I have not seen with my own eyes, but have felt in my heart, and who works I have seen in my life. I have faith and hope in his love for me and have opened myself up to him. Even when I don’t open up completely and shut him out of my life at times, he takes those areas of my life that I have given him and makes mountains out of grains of sand.
He has given me the heart to forgive and to be forgiven. I can only hope that in that strength I find more consistent peace and discernment. How do you find the right portions in vulnerability and strength? I found it through Him.