growing pains

I was reading Helen Keller's Story of my Life... in which she writes about her first experiences writing as a little girl. She wrote something (as far as she knew for the first time) and she gave it to someone as a gift. She was very proud and excited. It was published, it was great! it was called The Frost King . But apparently it was not her creation. Somewhere down the line... there was a story shared with her, very much like the one she had written. She was embarrassed. She was certain that she had not remembered that story, and that it was not done on purpose. Some thought that she had fooled them on purpose. She was devastated. She thought she made this up. But somewhere in the back of her mind, this story that was shared, surfaced to the part of her mind that was trying to create something original. She hesitated in creating anything from then on, always second guessing herself, "Are these my thoughts? or someone else's?"

Originality is tricky. In the text, a quote was shared, "nothing you do will ever be original unless you are born that way" especially in thinking.
I'm not original. I'm a product of several experiences in my life. Several stages of my life have brought me to who I am. Several people in my life have affected my style, my appearance, my thinking, and my beliefs. That's okay. I fought this for a long time. I didn't want to be just another face, another person with the same story, and I tried hard to resist fitting any "mold" anyone had for me. I refused to be in any stage in my life appropriate for my age. And to be honest, I think those lines have been blurred. At 21.. you should be….. at 27.. you should have…. at 35.. you should be there…. at 46 you should already have… and at 65, you should be where you want or should be.

Thing is.. I don't have a clue where I want to be or if I'm anywhere I want to be. I'm 26 and without a clue. I have the "essentials" down. I know what I want to do for a living. But thats it. Some would say I'm still young.. I have plenty of time.. Then 36 rolls around, distracted by the mentality of "I have all the time in the world..." and will I be where I want to be then? Where should I be? I also don't want to think about it so much that I forget to be where I am.
What does this have to do with Helen's fight with original thought? Well that's where I'm having trouble figuring out what are my thoughts and wants and what are not mine.
Do I want a house? With a cute dog? and nice furniture? a not so "collegy" car? nice shoes, professional clothing for work? to not dress like I'm a kid anymore? married? thinking about the future and kids?
Or do I want to be young still? Be free? Independent? able to move on a whim? hang out all night and sleep in? without the traditional pressures of "growing up?'
Or do I want that balance I keep talking about? and if so.. how do I get that?
So many people give their input when this topic comes up… friends who have assumed the roles, and other who have not, and they both criticize each other for giving in.
What do I want? and how do I know that it is truly my want and not someone else's story shared with me long ago surfacing when I think I'm creating my own want.

in pursuit

The pursuit has always been a romantic one.
The one with guesses and created assumptions
The one that is longed for as you turn back
just to see if they are indeed pursuing,
The one with twists and turns,
turning your stomach along with it.

But this one,
This one is a new one,
This one is not so romantic, yet still so very.
This one is a pursuit of people
Many different kinds of people.

The ones that make you laugh,
the ones you can finally make laugh
The ones that can sit and talk for hours,
or just walk in silence,
enjoying every moment that passes.
This pursuit is not the romantic kind, and yet, very much so.

In pursuit of people.
The ones with mysterious lives
The ones that are open books, ready to be read.
The ones that have been dying to live,
and the ones who are living, so inspiringly.
The ones with stories, and they all have stories.

Different people, with different voices,
different instruments, different talents.

The old ones.
The ones with a history not found in books,
The ones with young hearts
and wrinkled hands.

The young ones.
With stories ready to be written,
The ones with young hopes
and old souls

The ones with a friendship to offer,
and ready to receive.
The ones who not only lend you an ear,
but give you their heart to share your burdens.

The ones you share blood with,
in pursuit of an even closer bond.
The ones you call kin,
and also call friend.
Those who don't share the same blood,
but share the same bond.

In pursuit of those already known,
to get to know all over again.
The ones you've had all your life,
to make sure they're a part of the rest of your life.

Someday,
I'll pay attention to the other pursuit,
The romantic kind.
The one that makes your heart beat louder than it does.
The one that keeps you glancing over your shoulder,
checking to see if they are pursuing you.

For now, I pursuit people.
Different kinds.
The kinds with stories,
and they all have stories.

happiest moments

are those when you can literally feel the excitement of a friends' greatest news..
are those when you see your friends in their shining moment....
are those when someone leaves you the silliest messages on your voicemail...
are those when you and someone can call on any past moment and make it just as good as it was the first time....
are when a friend tells you she misses you.. and means it....
are when you hear the laughter and reactions to a fun movie in a theatre full of pajama-d kids..
are when you get to feel the string of a kite pull at your hand...touching the sky via kite.....
when someone forgives you for getting it stuck in a tree.....
are conversations with kin.. that you are miles away from, yet.. not by blood, but by love are you still in contact with.
are those when the rosie reaches for your hand as she falls asleep next to you....
and when the lily finally accepts you and lets you read to her...
your heart jumps for both of them....
are when you remember that you have a most wonderful family..
and that they're always waiting for you....
are when you see the sky in the most indecisive moods....
are those when you walk with a friend, and you get to share that moment in life with them...forever.
are when you know there is nothing but adventure awaiting.... and knowing you haven't lost the child like heart to take you there......