growing pains

I was reading Helen Keller's Story of my Life... in which she writes about her first experiences writing as a little girl. She wrote something (as far as she knew for the first time) and she gave it to someone as a gift. She was very proud and excited. It was published, it was great! it was called The Frost King . But apparently it was not her creation. Somewhere down the line... there was a story shared with her, very much like the one she had written. She was embarrassed. She was certain that she had not remembered that story, and that it was not done on purpose. Some thought that she had fooled them on purpose. She was devastated. She thought she made this up. But somewhere in the back of her mind, this story that was shared, surfaced to the part of her mind that was trying to create something original. She hesitated in creating anything from then on, always second guessing herself, "Are these my thoughts? or someone else's?"

Originality is tricky. In the text, a quote was shared, "nothing you do will ever be original unless you are born that way" especially in thinking.
I'm not original. I'm a product of several experiences in my life. Several stages of my life have brought me to who I am. Several people in my life have affected my style, my appearance, my thinking, and my beliefs. That's okay. I fought this for a long time. I didn't want to be just another face, another person with the same story, and I tried hard to resist fitting any "mold" anyone had for me. I refused to be in any stage in my life appropriate for my age. And to be honest, I think those lines have been blurred. At 21.. you should be….. at 27.. you should have…. at 35.. you should be there…. at 46 you should already have… and at 65, you should be where you want or should be.

Thing is.. I don't have a clue where I want to be or if I'm anywhere I want to be. I'm 26 and without a clue. I have the "essentials" down. I know what I want to do for a living. But thats it. Some would say I'm still young.. I have plenty of time.. Then 36 rolls around, distracted by the mentality of "I have all the time in the world..." and will I be where I want to be then? Where should I be? I also don't want to think about it so much that I forget to be where I am.
What does this have to do with Helen's fight with original thought? Well that's where I'm having trouble figuring out what are my thoughts and wants and what are not mine.
Do I want a house? With a cute dog? and nice furniture? a not so "collegy" car? nice shoes, professional clothing for work? to not dress like I'm a kid anymore? married? thinking about the future and kids?
Or do I want to be young still? Be free? Independent? able to move on a whim? hang out all night and sleep in? without the traditional pressures of "growing up?'
Or do I want that balance I keep talking about? and if so.. how do I get that?
So many people give their input when this topic comes up… friends who have assumed the roles, and other who have not, and they both criticize each other for giving in.
What do I want? and how do I know that it is truly my want and not someone else's story shared with me long ago surfacing when I think I'm creating my own want.