In conversation about the transition between the thoughts and perspectives we've had before and the ones we have today, my friend pointed something out. He said that it was if, the past thoughts were there to prepare, mold, or form the thoughts and perspectives we would have today. The thoughts we have today will help us get to the thoughts we will have in the future. Hearing that, it feels too obvious. Well, duh, we are always growing based on what we had before.
Then as I was packing things to move on to my future, I found a paper that an old love had written on. A memory of when things were so incredibly great and magical I felt it was a dream. Then I found a letter I had written to him but never gave him. It was after we broke up. I had written to him everything that I had felt, everything that I had learned, and everything I had hoped for in the future.
It was a sad time. It wasn't your average heartbreak.. I've had those. This one was a mind break. Never had I thought I finally had it together, never had I so vulnerably let go. Its always been a fight, its always been hesitation to trust, or a pursuit of someone who was so distant. This one came in like a long lost friend, with a promise of great things. Our eyes met and our hearts collided. Our thoughts and our weakeness were exposed and we looked to each other in awe. "really?" we thought to ourselves... "really? we can have this?" It felt unreal, and illogical. In a whirwind of emotions, we got swept away. We "knew" this was it.
It wasn't.
So everything I thought I knew became uncertain. Things changed, he changed. Where there was once a man who walked in with a smile and a hopeful heart, there was now the back of man walking into a bedroom, shutting his door. It was a trial of prayers, patience, willingness to stay, willingness to go. Is this where i show committment? Is this my cue to go? My heart was broken, yes, very much so. But after the time of that, my mind, my judgement, my own trust in myself was broken.
It didnt take very long for me to learn from this, gather what I could, build the walls I have to protect myself from falling so quicky.
Years have passed and yes, i think about it every now and again, but I'm "over" it as they say. I'm willing to fall in love, should love find me, someday.
It wasn't until a month ago, that a friend (same friend) and his friend, that my judgement should not have been broken. I trusted, and I did the right thing. The situation changed, and there was nothiing I could have done except what I did. There was a certain assurance in that.
Two years later, I'm still learning. Years later, I find his letter and my own, and realise how far Ive come. And if someone had told me at the time, not to worry, that all my thoughts and emotions would someday make sense or help me get to a place thats far better than my own understanding, I would have thought them foolish.
Yet here I am. Reading words with an attempt to understanding at the time, I find, that these words have found a place in my life today. I learned how to find strength even when weak, to find God when I can't see Him. I learned to walk, and not run so much. Maybe I sound jaded, and maybe I am, just a little. Maybe I'm not ready to let these walls come down ( ive worked so hard on them) but at least I know, I won't always think like this. Years from now, I'll read what Ive written, or think back on how I used to think, and see how far I've come.
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