waking up and wanting to hide.

Eyes open. At first, I'm welcomed by the day, enticed by the wonder it will bring, happy to see the face that greets me with a smile. He loves me. I know this, to the extent that I CAN know. I'll be okay, I know this, again, to the extent that I KNOW anything. I don't KNOW anything. All I can do is trust. I trust he loves me because he said so, I trust I'll be okay because I will try to make good decisions. I trust I will have an adventure waiting for me, because, well, why shouldn't I?

I leave tomorrow. I will get on the train that takes me to Chicago, then to New York, then eventually to Boston. Tomorrow starts a new life, a brand new adventure. Fears will be conquered, obstacles will be overcome. Tomorrow I will be on my way to the life I have been dreaming of, for so long.

My mother will have to trust that I will be okay, she will have to set aside her worry to know her baby girl is an adult and on her way to bigger things. I will have to make sure my family knows I love them and think of them daily. Friendships will be tested, for distance proves the biggest test of loyalty. My relationship will be tested, and I will learn the lesson on being a partner to someone from so far away. My faith in myself, and in God will be tested, I will have to be stronger that I have ever been. I will have to be more dedicated than I have ever been.


The anxieties settle in. Will I be strong enough? Will we be strong enough? Will I fail again? Will I find myself in square one again? What will happen if.......
I stop. I have to stop. I feel it creeping in like a thief in the night, trying to strangle me at my throat... I grab hold of that tight grasp around my neck.. pry the fingers off one by and one and breathe. I have to breathe. I have to kick the worries out of my head and breathe. I say a tiny little prayer, "God, give me peace, please..." and that's it. I don't want perfection, I don't want superhuman strength, I don't want a solution, I want peace.

I get up and welcome the day. The fight is far from over. Anxiety is an sneaky and unpredictable villain. Every day is a decision made to not give in. Good morning, let's get started.