someone once sang a birthday song in danish for me..

It was October, and I was in Seattle. He was a musician from Denmark and a friend of my friend. He shared his music and sang me a birthday song in Danish.

I once had a party in my bedroom. My friends they were all there, and we sang and we drank until they told us to stop. "Fill me butter cup" don't break my heart. Arms around each other we sang and we drank, and our hearts were full.

I had a picnic with a dear friend and she made the best picnic basket. We ate the finest foods. We talked about God knows what, I just remember thinking,"how lucky am i to have such a fine friend"

I've walked the coasts of san francisco, and hiked its hills too...more than once can i say I've seen the golden gate bridge.

I've been to canada, and they searched my car because our story sounded suspicious... we waited as they searched an amish family's car as well.



I once walked along the shore of malibu with a friend and we drank our hot drinks watching surfers at sunset. He gave me his jacket to keep me warm.

I once dipped my feet in the waters of the eastern shore with a friend and she and i both imagined ourselves across the ocean...we drank tea and coffee and a bee landed in my espresso. I'm afraid of bees.

I once did an open mic all on my own.. well not all on my own, i had a little bit of vodka and a lot a bit of friends.

I used to dance inside a bar, he used to pick me up and we would swing. His girls were never jealous because it was only ever a dance.. but oh how we danced.

I once went to ohio and rode through the soy fields and past the cows. I heard stories about the house we walked through and i could feel its history.

Ive climbed rocks i used to fear, and have stood a close distance away from a buffalo.

I used to take walks with another friend, just to talk. We would go to Jason's deli.. and we would eat and talk some more. We didn't always agree but respected each other very much.

Ive run away from where i was and we stumbled as we did, but then we'd laugh and fall asleep and talk about it in the morning.

Ive stayed up all night and wandered all day...

and i am far from done.

two little hearts

Of all the things that don't make sense in life, one thing I am completely at ease with not making sense is how much those two little girls fill my heart. I hear Rosie's voice and it sounds so clear now. She and I can have a real conversation, and I have to remember this and not talk to her like I talk to Lily. I don't like to baby talk, but it is hard to carry on a conversation with a five year old on the phone.
They are getting so big. Lily is five. She has been alive for five years and where have I been? Rosie has been alive for seven, and where have I been? With visits that are never long enough, mornings with both of them waiting for me to wake up so that we can play, and goodbyes that tug at our hearts in such a painful way. This is something I don't want anymore. The goodbyes, I want them to be see you in a little whiles, or see you tomorrows. I want them to come over to my house and build forts, sleepover, make pancakes them take our bikes out for a ride. I want them to know they have a Tia whenever they want her. I want to cheer at their soccer games, go to their plays. They bring such a joy and love into my heart that make all the things that don't make sense in my life disappear.
I have anxieties, and fears. Sometimes I have to push through the attacks of depression and like a kid pushing through through a crowd of adults, I feel small.
I have heartaches and they like to pull me down... but then I think of those two little hearts. That's what they are. Two little hearts.. and when they hold my hand.. I can feel my heart get stronger. They have this affect on us, on me. How lucky am I to have such love?