two little hearts

Of all the things that don't make sense in life, one thing I am completely at ease with not making sense is how much those two little girls fill my heart. I hear Rosie's voice and it sounds so clear now. She and I can have a real conversation, and I have to remember this and not talk to her like I talk to Lily. I don't like to baby talk, but it is hard to carry on a conversation with a five year old on the phone.
They are getting so big. Lily is five. She has been alive for five years and where have I been? Rosie has been alive for seven, and where have I been? With visits that are never long enough, mornings with both of them waiting for me to wake up so that we can play, and goodbyes that tug at our hearts in such a painful way. This is something I don't want anymore. The goodbyes, I want them to be see you in a little whiles, or see you tomorrows. I want them to come over to my house and build forts, sleepover, make pancakes them take our bikes out for a ride. I want them to know they have a Tia whenever they want her. I want to cheer at their soccer games, go to their plays. They bring such a joy and love into my heart that make all the things that don't make sense in my life disappear.
I have anxieties, and fears. Sometimes I have to push through the attacks of depression and like a kid pushing through through a crowd of adults, I feel small.
I have heartaches and they like to pull me down... but then I think of those two little hearts. That's what they are. Two little hearts.. and when they hold my hand.. I can feel my heart get stronger. They have this affect on us, on me. How lucky am I to have such love?